Monday, February 11, 2013

Technical Difficulties...

Sorry I have not posted! 

We have a few computer issues to work out.  

I plan on being back up and running soon!  

Thanks for your patience!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Not so Orginal...

Mmm - husband and I had a very nice night last night.  A little " necessary roughness", to coin a phrase.  I promise I will post more on that tomorrow, but for today I want to get down Chapter 2 of "Double or Nothing" before I lose it... and since I am working on that I really don't have a post.

But... if you want a good laugh (I laughed until I cried) please go to the link below!

17 Shades of Stupid: Cosmo's Worst BDSM Tips


PS - I still need some names for my characters... otherwise it'll be a whole lot of he said/she said!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Double or Nothing

Well, things aren't bad but they're pretty bland.  I could post about it - but I'm kind of getting sick of talking about myself - feeling a bit self centered!  So.... A bit of fiction to brighten your day?

Double or Nothing

As she looked down at her hand she wondered how she had gotten herself into this situation.  Sure, they had been friends for a long time - in fact she considered him one of her best friends.  But they had never dated, never even talked about dating, or sex, or anything.  So to be playing strip poker was crazy!

They had been just hanging out, relaxing with a group of friends.  Someone had fired up a joint and passed it around.  It was very good stuff and she was laughing and having a great time.  But one person after another had left - and now it was just the two of them, alone at his house.  She was thinking she should leave (how had she ended up being the last guest?) when he suggested a game of cards.  He grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and the two of them started playing poker at the kitchen table.  "You know how to play poker?" he asked dubiously.  "Of course I do!  I happen to be very good at poker!" she exaggerated.  (She knew that pairs were good and that a run of cards of the same suit meant something... but she certainly wasn't going to let him know she had no idea what a royal flush was!)  "Okay, okay," he laughed.  "Then you won't mind if we play for stakes?"

Stakes?  She didn't get paid again until next week and she only had about $5 in her jeans.  "Um, how much are we talking?" she hedged.

"Oh, I wouldn't gamble with a lady," he smirked, "but I would be willing to bet an article of clothing that my hand can beat yours."

"Strip poker?" she asked laughing, thinking he was teasing her.

"Yep," he said, watching her carefully.

There was something about the way he looked at her, something that challenged her, dared her.

"You're on!" she said as she began to shuffle.

She only had on socks, jeans, a sweater and her underwear to begin with.  He had already claimed her socks and jeans before she got lucky with a pair of kings.  He pulled off his shirt and she allowed herself the pleasure of looking at him as the shirt rose over his head.  He was ripped, really well-built and she wondered that she had never noticed before.  He wasn't bulging with muscles, but the long lean torso was muscled and she watched the play of the muscles across his chest and down his stomach as his arms reached overhead.  She greedily slid her gaze down, following the fine line that led down past the button on his jeans.  Her eyes rested on his crotch and she wondered....

She became aware that he was looking back at her.  She met his bold blue eyes and felt herself flush.  "Get a grip," she told herself crossly as she looked back at her cards, "it's just a game."

He watched her from under hooded eyes as she looked at her cards, biting her lower lip.  How long had he waited to bite that lip? he wondered.  He had enjoyed feeling her eyes on him, enjoyed watching her flush when she realized he had seen.  He had been biding his time for years now.  There was something so... raw... in the connection they had.  They had been tiptoeing around this for years.  Either she was involved with someone, or he was, or he had worried that acting on impulse might hurt their friendship.  He kept waiting for her to make a move, but she never did.  Tonight though, tonight all bets were off.

He lay down his straight and she shot him a look that was almost a glare as she lay her pair of two's on the table.  "Do I get to choose?" he teased her.  She thought about what she had left.  What should she take off?  Her sweater reached down to her hips, with a bit of tugging she might be able to keep some dignity.  "No," she said, "ladies choice," as she slipped her panties off while tugging her sweater lower.  She folded them neatly and set them on the table.

He had to laugh as she scowled at the pile in front of him.  If he was judging right she only had the sweater and bra left.  It was time to make his move.  "How about we go double or nothing?" he asked in a friendly way as he began to shuffle.  "What do you mean?" she asked suspiciously.

"If you win, I lose two items, if I win, you do," he said.

She thought about it briefly.  She had a bad run so far, she was due for a good hand - and even if she lost, that would mean game over.  "Okay," she agreed, eager to win and take some of his clothing for her own.

As she looked down at her hand she wondered how she had gotten herself into this situation.  She had a seven, a two, a five, a nine and a jack.  She discarded and drew - great, now she had a three, a two, an ace, a nine and a jack.  Maybe, just maybe...

"Why don't we make this more interesting," she purred.

He raised his eyebrows at her, "What do you have in mind?"

"If I win you have to do something for me, and if you win I have to do something for you," she said, thinking hastily.  She wanted to bet enough so that he would call it off, she wanted him to think her hand was way better than in really was.

"Like what?" he asked.

Damn it!  He didn't sound worried, just intrigued.

"If I win, you'll be my slave for the rest of the day," she smiled wickedly, thinking of making him wash her car or make her dinner.

"If I win, you'll be my slave then?" he asked, with a gleam in his eye that she did not see.  "Okay, I call!"

Shit!  She lay her cards down slowly, keeping the nine behind the ace.  "Pair of aces," she bluffed.  He grinned at her and touched her cards with a finger so that they spread out.  "Really?  You would cheat me?" he asked in a shocked voice.  He lay down his cards, "Full house."

Crap, crap crap!  She stood up, "Okay, you win," she sighed as she reached for her clothes.  He put his hand over them before she could grab them.  "What do you think you're doing?" he asked.  "Putting on my jeans so I can vacuum, or cook, or whatever," she answered.

"Oh, I think we have a misunderstanding," he said coming to stand behind her.  "I won, which means I get your clothes and you are my slave for the rest of the day."

He lifted the edge of her sweater and began to pull it over her head.  Her protests were muffled as the heavy sweater went over her face and he held it there while he snapped his fingers in the middle of her back.  The bra opened like magic at his touch and she felt his finger trace her spine.  He finished pulling her sweater off and stepped forward so that his body was pressed against the length of hers.   Damn it!  She forgot how much taller he was then her, she barely came up to his chin.  She could feel the roughness of his jeans against the small of her back and the smoothness of his skin against her shoulders as he slipped her bra straps down her arms and pulled it free.

She stayed facing away from him, too embarrassed to turn as she began to complain.  "I can't exactly cook naked!" she fumed.  "Who said anything about cooking?" he asked.

"Well you said I had to be your slave for the rest of the day!" she shot back.  She felt his body tremble against hers as he laughed.  "Actually, you were the one who came up with the slave for the day - I just won!" he laughed.

He stepped back and gathered her hair up.  He had always wanted to run his fingers through her hair, she had so much of it.  He pulled it up on her head into a ponytail and fisted his hand there.  "Get on your knees," he commanded.

She jumped at the sound of his voice.  He sounded so... stern.  Well, she could take a joke, she would just play along, she thought as she lowered herself to her knees.  His grip on her hair did not loosen, if anything it got tighter as he used her hair to keep her upright and very straight.

"You agree you are my slave for the day?"


"As my slave, you will not object to anything I say or do?  Until this time tomorrow you will serve me willingly and do exactly as I say?" he asked.

She felt a rush of excitement run through her at the thought.  Of course he didn't really mean it, he was just teasing her, testing her...but the thought of him using her.... "Yes," she agreed.

"Turn around," he commanded.

She tried to stand up but he used her hair to keep her on her knees.  She turned on her knees awkwardly and realized that her face was on level with his crotch.  She was face to face with the bulge in  his jeans, and suddenly had to swallow hard.

"What are your hard lines?" he asked.

"What?" she asked.  What were hard lines?

He reached down and tipped her face towards his.  He studied her eyes and then his gaze dropped down to her mouth.  She doesn't know how to play, he realized.  He looked into her eyes again and then looked at the flush of her cheeks and the way her lips were slightly parted.  But she wants to play, he thought and excitement surged through him.  He never thought that he would be her first.  All the signs of submission were there, he had been watching her for years, agonizing over the thoughts of her with different masters.  The realization that she was untutored, that he could mold her... his cock was so hard it ached.

What happens next?  Well of course we all want to know what happens next!  I need some names for my characters though! I can see them in my mind's eye, he has dark hair, he is tall with an athletic build but not overly muscled (think runner's build).  He has bright blue eyes and a wicked, wicked smile.  She has thick maple sugar and honey hair, curly with a curvy build (36,26,36), nice lips and blue/green eyes.  Please leave suggestions below - names are always the hardest part for me!  Oh, and I promise it gets much, much better!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Removing the layers...

I am finding that as you progress through this type of relationship, whatever label you want to put on it D/s, submissive, DD, TTWD, you begin to peel away layers, walls, barriers.  Even being relatively new to this dynamic, I have felt the layers peeling away.

The removal of some of those layers has been very freeing.  Being honest about my needs and discovering that my husband does not feel repelled or think I am weird - that in itself was very liberating.  Letting down walls that have been up for years.  Letting my husband be close to me.  Realizing that I am desirable (still struggling with that one). 

Admitting that I have no ambition for a career outside of the home, contrary to what was instilled in me from childhood and still gets pushed on me by well meaning friends and family like: "But what will you do when the children get older?" "What if your husband leaves you?"  "What will your contribution to the world be?"  Right now I am totally satisfied with being a homemaker, wife and mother.  Hopefully someday I will be recognized as an author.  But in the meantime, I plan on being a homemaker, wife and mother and I refuse to feel ashamed of that anymore.

Writing all of these emotions down and opening up to all of you helps immensely.  Reading your thoughts, stories and experiences helps me more than I can say.  Someday I would like to be able to feel fully free to just be me - and make no apologies for it (Vanillamom :) 

But now, it is all so new and sometimes scary. 

With so many old layers gone and the skin underneath feeling still raw I am way too vulnerable to this.  I am becoming so open.  Lately I have been feeling like I have been tearing down a pretty big wall.  The "Fear of Rejection" wall.  This is a very thick, very strong, almost impervious wall.  But it has been shaking lately and with the shaking a lot of debris has fallen.  I find myself picking through the rubble and examining it.
  1. The first boy who got to 2nd base with me, then told all his friends about my breasts in detail and they laughed.
  2. The boy I gave my virginity to after dating for a year, who then dumped me for my best friend.
  3. The boy who dated me for three years and then dropped me.
  4. The boy I thought I loved who didn't love me back.
  5. The career I invested myself in for ten years that ended in a lay off.
  6. The business I poured myself into that wouldn't show a profit.
Are they failures, or rejections or just life lessons?  Whatever they are, they caused me to begin to guard my heart, guard my soul from taunting laughter, rejection, intimacy... things that caused me to doubt myself, my worth and my abilities.  It hurts to have these things resurface, and yet it is cleansing to release them - a kind of pleasure/pain - connections withing connections.

But it is scary to start peeling away these layers because it leaves me vulnerable and open.  At the same time, being so open makes for greater intimacy (and better sex) and a better marriage with my husband.


Last night and this morning husband has been in a mood.  I'm not sure what is bothering him (I have some ideas but again, he just isn't verbal) and he has been very edgy.  And not edgy in a good way.

He is falling back on his old ways of dealing with this.  So he is mumbling, nasty and short tempered (I don't think spanking him would help the way it helps me!) and I know that he is worried about something but he is not sharing.  I try to be available to him but he is not interested in that right now (which is a shame because I would be willing to have him "vent" this on me - and I do think it would help) and I do not want to force the issue - I already feel inadequate and rejected.  How can I not feel rejected when he shut me out, when he turns me down, when he locks it all inside and does not let me in?  

The dam burst this morning, and now I not only do not want to force the issue, I want to rebuild walls and say screw it.  He's pissed, I'm hurt and this is not going to be the only bump in our road.  I know that there will be plenty of times that we have rough roads.  But...

I can't help but feel his pulling away (even though I KNOW he is only doing it to cope with whatever it is he is dealing with) as a rejection of me.  I immediately go into a spiral of doubt.  Somehow, someway this must be because of me.  Because I am not:

Hot Enough
Thin Enough
Contributing Monetarily
Running the House Efficiently

On, and on and on.  I immediately want to shore up the "Wall of Rejection" because that is my fall back safety.  That is the wall that keeps me safe from rejection.  I've been relying on its' strength for years.

I know if he could hear me now he would say, "It's not always about you!".  I can't seem to help it though.  I blame myself for his moods.  I know this isn't right, I know it isn't fair and I know it isn't how he feels.  This is how I feel.  Then I take it further, I take it right into the heart of the whole DD dynamic.  I begin to doubt.  Maybe all of this was just a phase and we're going to go back to where things were before.  I HATED how things were before.  I felt like we were on a gerbil wheel, round and round, miserable with no end in sight. I don't want to go back to that - EVER!

What if he has only been trying this to please me and now he is bored with it/me?  What if he doesn't like it anymore? What if he wants to go back to the old us?

What if I need to put those walls back up?  What if I tore them down too quickly and now I need their protection?  

What if I stay this open?  What if...

Monday, February 4, 2013

Roller Coaster

What is it about this lifestyle?  One minute I am higher than high, suddenly lower than low - wait back up high - oh no quick drop - oh wait, I think we're rising again...

I read something interesting called sub drop (you can read about it here, here and here) but I'm not sure if that is really it.

Last night was incredible - like oh my God, grab the sheets, stifle your screams amazing.  Pretty vanilla though (not that I'm complaining) just saying.  Very little slapping or spanking (some light slaps on the pussy, maybe a little pinch of the nipple) but nothing extreme, nothing that I would say was edgy.

But, his hands, his fingers - the man is magic!  I had orgasm after orgasm after orgasm until it seemed to turn into one continuous one (very awesome).  I was laughing so hard after - seriously could not move.  Could not move my arms or legs, not because of restraints but because they were just so limp and relaxed.

Husband is like, "Move over!" as I lay there sideways across the bed and laughing like a loon.  "Seriously, I can't!" I laugh at him.  He hauls me up and kind of shoves me over and I roll ungainly to my side of the bed, laughing the entire time.  So absolutely (in a rock my world, completely satisfied, blow my mind, so incredible that I can never have enough of him) we had sex.  Oh, and I wore the chemise he bought me - he did NOT break the straps - so I will be wearing it again (which is good because it is really beautiful!).

But... (there's always a but right?) this morning I woke up feeling ready for more... and I tried to take more... which he "tolerated" until he realized that children were going to be up soon - so he STOPPED!  Just STOPPED!  (After re-reading I realized that I needed to clarify this so you can fully understand my angst.  I started with a hand job/blow job, then proceeded to reverse cowgirl and then, as I got really close, we rolled to him on top, behind me, thrusting hard and repeatedly hitting that spot (ya know, the good spot) right on the brink of.... and STOP!  Just pulled out and said, "the kid's are going to be up"  WHAT? NO! WHAT?)  No "O" for me - no "O" for him... who does that?  Apparently he does!

So I am ready to kill people!  It's like the worst case of PMS ever!  I should be grateful for last night, in fact I should be exhausted after last night.  Instead, I am like a teenage boy - all I think about is sex.  I just read the funniest photo essay "Addicted to Crack" on Barney married Wilma's Blog.  Yep, that sums it up for me!

I'm addicted to the highs he brings me to - he is definitely my pusher and my dealer and I am jonesing for my fix! The more he gives me, the more I want...

The problem is (again) REAL LIFE is getting IN MY WAY and keeping me from getting MY FIX! 

Laundry, vacuuming, dusting and cooking all needs to be done, children to care for and real life to live.

But secretly, the entire time I AM WAITING FOR MY HIGH! Waiting for the chance for him to take me to those heights again.

I'm an addict - I might as well admit it.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Saturday Morning Funnies

I find that my time to blog over the weekends and on Mondays gets a bit tight.  So I've decided to add Saturday Morning Cartoons...

These all made me laugh, so I hope you enjoy them!  Have a great weekend everyone!

Not the Bat-Strap! I saw this on and laughed so hard - I had to share!

Goes so well with the above pic.  I kind of wish I was Catwoman - lol!

Okay, it really should say "Apparently there is a party in aisle 15" but still funny!
A parents worse fear when doing DD - How would you explain that?
Hopefully no one ever goes in my drawer...

Friday, February 1, 2013

The fun house...

As I vented to you yesterday, even the best fantasy can be shredded when reality keeps cutting in.  I tried the blue balcony bra again yesterday, but I'm starting to think it is not a lucky bra because it does not get me the results it should.  I even unzipped my hoody a bit more so that more cleavage would show.  Unfortunately my husband caught me in the act of tugging the zipper down further, which amused him.  He was easily amused yesterday and in a teasing mood - but I was flat out getting pissy.

Dinner was easy (no doggy doo-doo, thank goodness!), I made homemade cookies afterwards and while cleaning up the kitchen reminded my husband that my show would be on tonight and that I wanted to watch it.  It was "Our America with Lisa Ling re-airing "Shades of Kink" 

 (You can see the schedule by clicking here.) 

It was to be airing on "E" in my area last night.  Because it is an obviously adult topic, I wanted to watch it in our bedroom.  Unfortunately my husband explained that our television in our bedroom does not get that channel and I would have to watch it in the living room.  Fine, but that means all children had to be in bed before it came on.  I explained to the children that mommy was going to watch a grown up show and that I needed everyone in bed on time - which I felt was more than fair - I rarely watch TV (I'd rather read) so me requesting TV time is kind of unprecedented in our house.

I went in the bathroom to take my bath before the show aired.   I had disinfected and cleaned the whole thing earlier that day so it was actually a joy to take my bath.  The bathroom was clean and fresh and I had even washed the shower curtain and rehung it fresh from the washer.  Everything looked shiny and bright and smelled nice.  There was plenty of hot water and I pulled the shower curtain back, turned on the hot water to fill the tub and went into the laundry room to get my clean robe for after.  Ahh, plenty of hot water - "Just what the Dr. ordered," I thought as I sank in to the heat.  Except...

When I washed the shower curtain I didn't have a full load.  I hate to run only one thing through and  I looked for somethings to add to the load.  I grabbed a towel used for the dogs paws and a rag rug.  Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, one of the hairy beasts had decided to sleep on either the towel or the rug at some point.  My shower curtain, the towel and rugs are all dark shades of blue so I didn't see the hair.  Because I hung the shower curtain straight from the washer to let it dry on the curtain rod, dog hair must have been all over it.  Being a slick, waterproof material the curtain dried quickly, apparently shedding doggy hairs as it dried. Many of them.  Many, many, many of them...  So, when I pulled the curtain back to fill the tub it must have caused them all to fall off the curtain and into the tub.

I was sitting in hot water with floating hair... a lot of floating hair.  Are you disgusted and gagging yet?  Because I sure was!  Infuriated and grossed out I pulled the plug, grabbed some soap and my razor the wash up in the shower.  Except...

I had used all the hot water filling the tub.  Shaving in cold water is difficult given the goosebumps all over my body.  Shaving delicate areas while shivering and trying to hurry is not pleasant.  Screw this - I am NOT washing my hair.

Fuming, cold, aggravated beyond measure I storm out of the bathroom and into the living room.  To discover all of my men watching a hockey game.  On the only TV that I can use.  For the show that started two minutes ago.

Bitchy is an understatement.

I drive them all out of "my" room in a fury.  After children have been banished I finally put on my show.

"Are you ****ing kidding me?" I scream at the television.  My show is not on.  Even though the information says it is on - I hit info on my remote control.

Um yeah... that's what is supposed to be on, but this is not what I see.  What I see is women making a music video... WTF?  Husband comes in to see what I am yelling about.  He is amused... I am NOT amused.

Storm into the bedroom, throw robe on the floor, grab a long cotton nightgown out of the drawer and flop into bed.  He is still standing in the doorway watching me.  "You okay?" he asks.

Let the Bitch Fest Begin starting with dog crap and dog hair and ending with "I'm just going to sleep!"

He puts the hockey game on in our room and sits there watching it.  I glower with my face on the pillow facing the other way.  He watches the game until the end, while I lay there and list all of my anger causing, unfair, aggravating events in my mind and start to drift into sleep.

He click off the television and lays next to me, placing ice cold feet on the back of my calves.   "Your feet are freezing," I exclaim and try to pull away.  "I know, my hands are too," he says, "but you're not." He reaches down and pulls my night gown up over my ass and places his hands on it.  "You seem nice and warm, but I bet I can make you even warmer," he says as he begins to squeeze.

Aggravation magically disappears as I turn onto my stomach to give him more access.  Mmm- nice rubbing and squeezing.  But then he begins to squeeze a cheek up nice and plump and then as he releases, smack.  This turned into a really awesome rhythm, hard squeeze, hard smack alternating cheeks.  I began to relax into it and then he began to spank me in earnest, quick, hard, rapid fire spanks that had me grabbing onto the arm he placed around me.  "Oh was that five?  I think I lost count.  I guess I'll have to start over..." he teased as he continued his assault.  He switched cheeks but then claimed to have lost count again - honestly I didn't care - I just wanted him to keep going!

Then he began to spank even harder for being, "Bitchy," and "Pissy" and "Bratty" and then for being an "Ungrateful Little Brat" (which for some reason really sunk in - I really was being ungrateful, I have so much to be grateful for!  I am so glad that he said it - it was just the mental adjustment I needed).  

He slid his fingers down and checked how wet I was.  I rolled onto my back to be open for him.  It felt so good and I spread my legs wider as he began to slide his fingers into me.  Serious orgasm building up and then "Smack" right on my pussy.  I involuntarily closed my legs and he roughly parted them again.  "Smack, smack, smack..." I closed my legs again (I can't help it - it's instinct!) and turned on my side.

He began to spank me on my ass again and then I felt his hands in my hair pulling me upright.  I thought he was pulling me back into position for more spanking, but he used my hair to turn my head and shoved his hard cock into my mouth.

"Take it!," he commanded and shoved it deep.  I gagged and he pulled me up by my hair.  "Take it," he said, shoving it back in, "Take all of it!"  

I tried, I really did, but he is so big and I ended up gagging again.  He fisted his hand in my hair and roughly fucked my face. 

Then he was spanking me again - or was he spanking me while his cock was in my mouth?  It all kind of gets blurry...

He pulled my nightgown over my head as he growled, "Give me those tits."  And he sucked as much as he could into his mouth hard...  

I wish I could tell this more coherently...I honestly don't know what I am not remembering at this point - it was all blurry in a fantastic sensory overload and I do mean a seriously fantastic overload!

I do know that once he was inside me he grabbed my hair and made me focus on his eyes.   He kissed me and asked, "Do you love me?"  "Yes, yes, I love  you so much..."

He slid in and out of me as he kissed me deeply and then stopped and held me still... "Do you like having my cock inside you?"   "Yes, please, it feels so good..."

He held me tightly against him, his cock buried deep inside of me, "Then come for me, come all over my cock!"

And I did, and I did again, and again... and when he pulled out he knelt on the bed and sprayed it all over my tits - I opened my mouth like a porn star and he shot it over my face.

I was a puddle of mush, boneless... he went and brought me a hot washcloth so I could clean up.  After we cleaned up I lay there and felt my legs tremble and tremble until it finally struck me funny and I laughed.  "What's so funny?" he asked sleepily.  "My legs," I mumbled back somewhat incoherently... 

Now, I can tell you this (why stop sharing now, right?)- I really could have used a longer and harder spanking - I felt like it was just starting to reset my mood and I wasn't ready for him to stop- but submission means he is in charge and I am in such a better place of mind today.

A lot of Domestic Discipline I read about is more intense than what I get from my husband, so sometimes I wish it was longer or harder.  I actually want him to be more demanding and I want him to spank me longer/harder (or at least I think I do!) or "make" me do more than I do.  He is not a harsh task master at all.  But a lot of BDSM I read is too much for me (I guess I like soft BDSM if that is a phrase) so that makes a fine line for him to walk.  Plus, I know he seriously has an issue with hurting me - I think he is working through it just fine though:)- so I know that my line and his line probably have a bit of a gap between them.

If he likes to do it light than that is fine with me - the fact that he is dominating/disciplining, or taking control is what trips my trigger more so then the pain/pleasure part.  But when I fantasize about discipline it is more intense than what we have actually done.  I fantasize about him spanking me until I am begging him to stop - and then he takes it just a bit further.  Also, I loved that he called me "Bratty" and "An Ungrateful Little Brat" - I really do!  It's just what I needed to hear!  I love that he is getting more verbal in the bedroom - OMG - his voice turns me on!  Just thinking about the things he said last night gets me excited!

Like I said yesterday - when we are in full swing the reality is way better than any fantasy could be!  So dog hair, doggy doo-doo, sick children and all - I love our Fun House!


Thursday, January 31, 2013

50 Shades of Reality

Do you know I never see children hanging on the woman in a Gil Elvgren picture?  Nor does she ever look anything but sexy!  She never has a cold, she's never wearing sweats, she's never having a fat day!  She appeals to me because she is sexy all the time... and that would be because she's not real.  Oh, she's based on reality but she is not a part of reality...

Reality...this is one of the areas where 50 Shades of Grey left me cold.  There was nothing realistic about their relationship.  He was a bazillionare, she was naturally thin, young and gorgeous, she loved her in-laws and they loved her, she never had another lover ... you know - everything is perfect.

I'd like to see the 50 Shades of Aftermath... when she has fat rolls and stretch marks, his company is in trouble so he actually is working 60 plus hours a week, she is chasing the children around, running them to their activities and helping them with homework.  Plus, his business really got in trouble so they're on a budget, she has to cook and clean while he busts his buns, they have a home cooked meal, finally get all of their offspring into bed and then...  How much do you want to bet that the torture chamber room is covered with a fine layer of dust as she does the evening dishes and he falls into an exhausted sleep on the recliner in front of the television?

Not such a fun read anymore!  But reality does have a nasty way of intruding on my otherwise very pleasant, very sexy, very submissive state of mind. 

After blogging some of my fantasies yesterday I was in a great state of mind.  I got dressed in a very hot balcony bra with matching panties under my pants and sweater.  Hair and makeup freshened I awaited his arrival.   Pleasant dinner with the children and one of their friends who stayed for dinner. 

Then the dog pooped on the floor.  Of course she chose to do it in the room with carpeting.  Yep, nothing says sexy like a woman cleaning up doggy doo-doo.  Plus, the aroma that wafted around to mix with the after dinner smells in the air - oh yeah, sexy!  Clean up, open windows, do the dishes, etc.  Then I drive the friend home, put the children to bed, take my bath and... snore.  Yep, he is sleeping away.  So I lay there contemplating sleep.  Click, click, click, click - dogs toenails on the floor.  Maybe she needs to go out again.  No, it's raining out.  Click, click, click, click - FINE!  Get my naked butt out of bed, wrap a towel around me because I left my robe in the laundry room.  Let the dogs out, let them back in after wiping muddy paws (all while naked)... fume my way into the bathroom to turn on the exhaust fan and have a sneaky cigarette because I am just so aggravated.  Brush my teeth again, freshen up again, return to bed - snore...

So I lay there, aggravated, frustrated, sexually needy.  I completely blame Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey for my unrealistic expectations.

Also, even if my husband had time to read my blog yesterday, which I doubt (he rarely reads it -usually only if I ask him to but ... well, I kind of had hopes he would read it and I would get some interesting texts today) #3 is home sick so even that hope is kabashed.  I have received two texts this morning (and was kind of excited each time even though it couldn't really happen) but neither were from him.

The silver lining in my inability to sleep last night was that I did come up with a pretty good plot for a story... and I plan on pouring myself into it today.  Because writing a fictional story today is better than last night's reality. 

But when everything comes together?  When my husband isn't tired and we actually get privacy? My reality is better than any fantasy - I just need to be patient until all the stars align again!

I am very excited to have been nominated for a Very Inspiring Blogger award by Mrs. D. from A New Chapter.   I feel so lucky and very grateful to Mrs. D. for nominating me.  I don't know that my blogs are inspirational, but I do know that having my blog has helped me to find my voice... and writing down my journey so far has helped me work my way through a lot of emotions I would have kept inside before...  

I do know that other people's blogs have been inspirational to me - the information, support and stories have helped me realize that there are a lot of "us" out there.  Other people who like some pain with their pleasure, other people who want or need discipline in their relationships... and that has helped me immensely.  I will say that in listing some of my favorite bloggers for nomination, I may be missing a few of you and for that I apologize.  It takes courage to have and maintain a blog where you open your lives and your hearts to others and I commend you all.  You have been welcoming and supportive and your stories have inspired me, soothed me and made me feel not so alone...

My nominees are below.  For those of you who choose to participate here are the rules.

  1. Display the award logo on your blog.
  2. Link back to the person nominating you
  3. State seven things about yourself.
  4. Nominate fifteen other bloggers for this award and link back to them.
  5. Notify these other bloggers and give them the award requirements.
Seven things about myself...
  1. I have two dogs and a cat
  2. I am allergic to all three of them and so wake up each morning with the most bloodshot eyes you can imagine - but I wouldn't want to wake up without my pets so...
  3. When we retire I want to buy an RV and travel all over the USA - and park in our children's' driveways when we come to visit them and embarrass them ala "Christmas Vacation"
  4. I never told my husband about my spanking fantasies until recently
  5. Only one person in my "real" life knows about my blog
  6. I have awesome intentions with poor follow through (which is why I like DD)
  7. I've always wanted to see Venice   
And the nominees are:
  1. Mr. BB Spanker @
  2. Kitty-The Submissive Wife @
  3. Mrs. D.  - A New Chapter @
  4. Lady Laid Bare@
  5. Life Under a Firm Hand@
  6. Red Booty Woman @
  7. Fiona @
  8. Julia @ 
  9. KayLynn@
  10. Aisha@
  11. Sin@
  12. PK@
  13. Tori@ 
  15. Taken In Hand  
Okay, I know that I am probably missing some very good blogs, but I am relatively new to blogland and also new to adding blogs to my blog... I don't bookmark sites because my computer gets used by the kids which is frustrating if I read something good and then forget where I saw it.  I am slowly but surely figuring out how to add blogs to my blog roll.  I'm sure I will get better at this as I go on... 

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Top 5 Secrets and Fantasies of the Day...

I wish I had an erotic blog for you today... I REALLY wish I did, but husband was tired when he came home yesterday.  I did try a little sassing - he was watching a show on the TV while I cleaned up from dinner and when I walked in to sit by him I mentioned something he didn't really hear so he said, "What?" and I said teasingly, "Oh, just agree with me... after all I'm the boss..." to which I got a look and a "I don't think so," but the poor guy was tired.  In fairness we have all been fighting a bit of a bug so I can understand why he is so tired.  I took my bath and got all ready just in case (hey, you can't win the lottery if you don't get a ticket!) but he was asleep when I came into bed.

I did get a few "commands" this morning and some errands to run for him today... I love when he is commanding!  I guess it would be different if he was bossy, but he is always polite so it gives me a thrill when he gives me orders without saying, "If you have time could you please...", now it's more, "I want you to go and pick up "A" and here is the money to get it," or "I expect "A & B" to be done when I get home..." 

Still, I am eagerly awaiting a swing back into DD, TTWD, BDSM, D/s - whatever label you want to put on it.  I saw these on (if you click on the panties you will go to their site)-  I wonder if wearing these would be considered bratting?

Anyway, each night as I lay in bed over the weekend, last night and this morning I thought of a ton of things I would like my husband to do to me... so I am going to give you my top ten five (I ran out of time) secret fantasies of today.  Not all of my fantasies are like this, depends on my mood.  Today I'm feeling like a bit of brutal, dominating, rough, dirty sex (which may not be to your taste so be forewarned before you continue reading).

  1. He texts me and gives me orders.  He tells me to get ready (washed, shaved, make up and hair but no clothes).  I text back that I am ready.  He tells me what to wear (but since this is my fantasy he chose the fishnet open cup body suit with stiletto heels and a black collar (I don't even own a collar - but that is the nice thing about fantasy...).  I text him back that I am dressed as he requested.  He texts me back and gives me instructions... things like I am to put on the nipple clamps that are in the drawer.  I follow his instructions and then he texts me chores to do while they are on - something like washing the kitchen floor where my arms are in motion so I can really feel the clamps as my breasts sway.   When I complete the chore I text back that I am done.  He then calls me, he must be somewhere where no one will hear him because he has me take the clamps off and play with my nipples while he talks dirty to me.  I am so aroused but he tells me that I am not allowed to touch myself down there.  He abruptly hangs up the phone and I am at a loss, but then another text comes in with instructions.  This time, he tells me to go and get a butt plug (again, I don't even own one - but work with me here!) and insert it.  I text back once it is in and he commands me to go and work on my writing.  Of course, I cannot concentrate, I have to sit to write and I am aware of the plug and my nipples are still sensitive, I can feel how wet I am as I sit on the leather desk chair - all in all I am completely distracted and thinking only of him.  My phone beeps and there is another text asking  how many words I have written.  I answer honestly, not many because I am too distracted.  He sends me a text to go into the bedroom and await my punishment for disobeying.  I go and lay over the bed, but it is so hard to just lay there - he's at work he'll never know - and so my hands slip between my legs, just to get some relief.  I am just ready to orgasm when I hear his voice behind me...                              
  2. I'm home and the children are at school.  I probably should be getting some work done, but I am so tired that after I start the wash I decide to snuggle up in bed for awhile and have a quick nap.  After awhile I drift off, only to awaken to him dragging me into position.  I am disoriented as he has me put my feet on the floor with my stomach and chest laying on the bed.  He pulls down my pants and begins to spank me with his hand, letting me know about the times that I have not been obedient, when I have not given our home my best effort.  He stops and rubs my stinging cheeks while he tells me that I have had this coming for a long time.  He then grabs (from an array of implements he has laid out on the dresser) a wooden spoon and with each stroke reminds me that I am the one who wanted this.  He stops and rubs my cheeks again before removing my underwear.  He uses his hand and spanks me more, making sure that he hasn't missed a spot.  Then he slips his fingers along my slit, feeling how wet I am.  "This is a punishment, not for your pleasure," he growls and he grabs a wooden hairbrush and begins to spank in earnest.  I try to get away, I beg him to stop, but he holds me in place until I receive the full measure of his punishment.  Then he grabs my hair and pulls me to my knees, unbuckling his belt and slipping it through the belt loops with a scary hissing noise.  He unbuttons his pants and thrusts his cock into my mouth.  He holds me tightly, controlling my movements and fucking my mouth.  I am moaning around his cock, my hips moving in their own rhythm, my ass on fire... he uses his belt and applies stinging strokes as he emphasizes again, "This is a punishment, not for your pleasure."  He comes deep into my throat, holding my head tightly and making me swallow every drop.  I am whimpering and he holds me for a moment before reminding me, "Bad girls don't get to come... this is part of your punishment, but if you are a good girl I will make you come tonight."  He leaves me and returns to work as I refocus my energy on obedience, on pride in our home and making sure that when he returns home he will think I am a "Good Girl" again...                                                                                                                  
  3. We have the house to ourselves and everyone is gone safely somewhere else... not clear on where they all are, just clear on the fact that we have tons of time and privacy.  I have on a french maid outfit, garter stockings and a pair of heels.  He is watching TV and relaxing while he commands me to do various chores around the house.  He comes and inspects my work as I go along.  If it is good, he fondles me and kisses me telling me to keep up the good work.  But in the kitchen I missed wiping down the front of the counters.  He calls me in and points it out.  I kneel to wipe down the fronts which puts me in a position where his cock is right there.  I stop what I am doing to massage the front of his pants.  "Did I tell you to touch me?", he asks sternly.  "No," I say pouting.  "No what?", he asks. "No Sir," I say smartly.  "Get back to work," he commands.  I begin wiping down the fronts quickly, not really paying attention because he is standing right there and I want his cock inside me.  Again, I miss spots.  "Get down there and do it right! You didn't even wipe the bottom properly!", he says.  The spot he wants me to clean is almost under the counters and so my ass is in the air, my skirt is too short to cover me and this position exposes everything to his gaze.  I am embarrassed so I reach back to pull my skirt down further.  He responds by pulling my skirt up and folding it back so that he can see even more.  I hear the drawer above me open and he pulls out a rubber spatula.  "What are you going to do with that?" I ask, thinking I already know the answer.  "Stand up," he commands.  He sends me into the bedroom for the nipple clamps.  When I return he pulls the elastic top of my dress down so that my bra and breasts are outside of my dress.  He arranges each breast so that it is out of the bra cup, nicely displayed and propped up by the bra underneath.  He bends down and sucks each nipple into his mouth, sucking hard and drawing them out.  He stand upright and he is so close, his mouth so close to mine I lean towards him wanting to feel his lips on mine.  He smirks and then swoops down to capture each nipple in turn again.  I am rocking towards him, yearning when he comes upright again, but this time he takes the nipple clamps and places each one at the base of my erect nipples.  It is electric and almost too painful.  Now he kisses me and it feels so good I start to melt into him but he pulls his head back and gently flicks my nipples with the rubber spatula.  "Back to work", he says...  (obviously this fantasy can go on and on - an endless day of erotic torments - I usually think of this one when I am cleaning... go figure...also I don't think the rubber spatula would really hurt - but I'm not sure...)                                                                      
  4. This one is actually a favorite... I often think of this one before I go to sleep, on the nights when he falls asleep before I come to bed... In this one I am wearing a sheer white shirt and white thigh highs with satin bows (I love accessorizing my fantasy!) and he has me kneel in the middle of the bed.  He ties me up, with my legs spread as wide as I can, so that all of my pussy is exposed for his pleasure.  He has an array of toys including a massager that he uses on me - each feeling better than the next.  However, I am not allowed to come without his permission or I will be punished... and of course he makes me come... so of course I will be punished...                                                                 
  5. I have a natural curiosity about a few things too... so of course I fantasize about them.  The one is bondage, especially the "trussing" of breasts.  I've seen pictures but never tried it so... and also anal.  We've never done it and I am very curious but afraid to try it ... but I do fantasize about it quite a bit...
*In looking for a pic of breasts with ropes... I have to say I didn't like a lot of what I was seeing... I guess I am still pretty Vanilla, because a lot of those pics were way too hard core for what I had in mind.

Sorry that 4 and 5 were kind of rushed - I am out of writing time for today.  If we ever actually do either of these, I promise I will write in more detail...       

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Reality Versus Perception

I use Gil Elvgren pin up girls in my posts.  I love his work because he seems to capture how women feel, versus how they look - it's like he looks inside and grabs the sexy goddess that secretly lives in all women.  He seems to be able to paint the way I'm feeling when I know I have sexy underwear on under my casual clothes.  He sees inside these average women - he knows that there is a pin up girl waiting to come out.  Not that these women aren't beautiful to begin with, but he manages to find the sexy goddess within (plus I think he would completely agree with my views on spanking - he manages to flash a bit of cheek in almost every pic!).  Since we started DD I've felt that I am this sexy woman with so much to offer.  I think that it shows through at times and other times... I wonder if it's all in my head.  My husband is fond of saying that reality is perception.  One person's perception of reality is different from another - which is great, it means that I can have this perception of being a sex goddess... until my perception changes.

The reality is I am a size 16 or XL.  Funny though, when my husband is "taking charge" I feel feminine and almost dainty, and very, very beautiful.  I'm not worried that I am "too big" and my constant critic is quieted - almost as if someone has a hand over her mouth.  I am not worrying, criticizing, what iffing... I am doing whatever it is he wants.  When he wants me... that makes me feel amazing, sexy, beautiful, hot...
When I get ready for the day, I am getting ready for him.  The critical voice (the one who accuses me of being too lazy, too overweight, too unorganized, not glamorous, not "together") is silenced by my anticipation of his reaction to whatever it is I am wearing.  In almost everything I do, I am anticipating his reaction.  So when I get dressed, carefully do my hair and makeup, carefully select the clothing that I am wearing under my outfit - I am anticipating and sometimes fantasizing.
For example, he was meeting me somewhere on Friday.  With every article of clothing I put on, I was eagerly getting ready for him.  Even though my outer clothes were casual, my inner clothes were satin and lace.  I put on perfume for his enjoyment.  I put on lip gloss thinking of his lips on mine.  So you can imagine my anticipation upon seeing him coming into the building... and you can imagine my reaction when he walked right past me into the mens' room without even a hello.  My further reaction when he didn't even greet me, but greeted others around me and casually asked if I was ready to take our seats.  Finally I blurted out, "You didn't even kiss me hello," to which he responds by brushing my lips and saying hello.

Now we were surrounded by other people and I understand he wasn't going to pull me into a passionate embrace in a public setting... but I guess I had a bit of a fantasy built up.  I have this little, harmless fantasy that he will come up behind me at one of these events and place his hands over my eyes or lifting my hair away he will brush a kiss across the side of my neck... nothing vulgar... just a bit of heat.  Like the song says, I want him to want me... and I guess I am a bit spoiled because I want him to want me all the time...

Anyway, this was also my time of the month - which in his mind means a complete curtailing of all activities... which took me from feeling like this (left pic) to feeling like this (right pic).  Not that both women aren't sexy, deserving goddesses... it's just that my inner critic got going full force again... and she has absolutely no tolerance for even the smallest molecule of fat, not to mention the sagging breasts from nursing three children, the stretch marks, the wrinkles, and dry skin, discolorations... well you get my point - she's a bitch and a perfectionist.  She magnifies everything bad and minimizes everything good.  She started carping on Thursday and she hasn't shut up since.  So my perception has changed.

I've noticed that when we're in full blown DD mode she shuts up... but if he slacks off even a little bit, then she starts up.  I go from energetic and feeling wonderful to constantly putting myself down and feeling almost depressed.  She's had rule over my head for much longer than we've been trying DD, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how quickly she takes over.  Before DD I didn't even realize how absolutely horrid I was to myself.  Then I would realize it and "treat" myself to something nice, something that made me feel better.  Which would raise havoc with our budget and cause me to feel horrible and the whole cycle would begin again.  Since we've begun DD she's been gagged pretty effectively until right before the weekend - but somehow she got loose...

She's been gaining strength and as icing on the critical voice's cake, I had an old "treat" come back and bite me in the ass unexpectedly.  Way before DD, before I even read about DD, I had ordered something from a local vendor.  Now we use this store exclusively for our family, but we usually are only there once a year or every other year.  Last spring, I was in there for something else and saw something I really wanted for myself.  Of course the salespeople are there to sell, they aren't going to say "Have you lost your mind?" when you order something.

Long story short, when I ordered it there was a wait before it would arrive.  At the time I had planned on paying for it when it arrived - no big deal - I was "treating" myself and I was working then, so I planned to pay for it with "my money."  They called once when it had arrived, it was a busy week.... I told them I would be in the next week... and then I kind of forgot about it.  Obviously it wasn't that important to me or I would have remembered it.  They never called again and so it completely faded away... until I had to get something from them this weekend.  Then it was right in my face - and as it was special ordered it had to be paid for unless we were never going to use this vendor again (which would never happen - they are wonderful).  So, as I hung up the phone I had to figure out how to tell my husband that I had caused us to unexpectedly go way over budget on something so frivolous that I didn't even remember I had ordered it.  This was not good... this was very, very bad.  In fairness, I would never order it now - I can't believe how much I have changed since we started DD - I am appalled that I ever thought that this was a good idea!  But it still needed to be addressed.  Before telling him, I called them back to see if I could do a payment plan, which they agreed to.  Then I made sure that I could pick up some work from an old job.  Then I sat down and confessed the entire thing to my husband, offered the payment plan/work suggestion and waited for the explosion.

The thing was, there was no explosion.  He just looked very disappointed and talked to me.  He just quietly explained how my thoughtless action cost him his peace of mind, dug into the financial buffer he has established so that he can take care of me and our family without living pay check to pay check.  He emphasized (with justice - it is all true) how he never spends that kind of money on himself.  He explained that the whole reason I can be home is because we came up with a budget and that the budget does not allow for this kind of selfish, careless spending.  Then he gave me his credit card (the one he worked so hard to pay off) and told me to go and pick up my item, along with the other thing we needed.

So I have a very beautiful item, one that once would have pleased me (at least for a little while) and I would have preened and been very proud of it.  Instead, it is my scarlet letter of shame.  Not because he said so, (he said it looks very nice), but because I know what it cost - and it's not worth it.  It's not worth costing him his peace of mind.  It's not worth the disappointment I saw in his eyes.  It's not worth the loss of faith and trust.  Yet, because of it's cost I have to wear it at every opportunity - that is his ruling (that I need to wear it at every opportunity for at least the next five years to get the value out of it) and I see his point.  Since I bought it I should use it.  But I will never wear it without remembering that it is not worth it.

Needless to say, my inner critic is having a hay day with this fiasco!  She brings it up constantly and has gleefully added it to her barrage of critical nasty comments.  Since it was that time of the month there has been no closure.  My inner critic has had free rein since Thursday, got the extra steam from my mistake and has been going full force since Saturday.  I cannot get her to shut up and she is making me droop.  You would think she would energize me to change, but no... she sucks all motivation out of me with her constant harping...

So I am hoping that (since I am "open for business" again) tonight he may be able to give me a new perspective and shut her up for awhile.  I cannot believe how much better my self esteem has been since we started this.  I'm almost never worried, never critical and self doubting in the moments when I am being "Taken in Hand" - I am too busy surrendering to worry about that.  Plus, when he is in charge I know that he is doing exactly as he pleases - so obviously doing me is exactly what he wants - which makes me feel deliciously feminine and sexy.   Even when we aren't having sex, I am thinking about him, wanting him and doing everything I can to please him.  I guess I can admit here (since I can spill my guts to you) I am rather hoping for/dreading some discipline for both the item I purchased and also for all of the negative self talk.  Because my inner critic needs it and I deserve some sort of punishment for that outrageous purchase.  I guarantee she will be silenced by a good spanking!

Which caused me to research a bit yesterday.  Why is being submissive so good for your self esteem?  You would think it would have the opposite effect, you would think that by being submissive you are somehow lowering yourself.  But I love being submissive, I love who I am when I am a "good girl" and even when I am being disciplined, I revel in his complete authority over me.  By allowing him more control and giving up some of my own, I gave up a lot of self doubts and worries along with my control.  I did find some blogs that said the same thing - insecurities, inhibitions and body image issues - they seem to disappear when you surrender yourself to your partner.  I don't know why that is... but giving up control has helped me immensely with this.  I think it is just that my inner critic has been a part of me since I was a teen... it may take a little longer to shut her up for good!

In the movie "Shallow Hal," Hal begins to see beauty on the inside.  His perspective creates his reality.  At one point his friend Maurico tries to "save" him by making him see his girlfriend as everyone else sees her:

Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?
Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!

So if my reality is based on my perception... I guess I want my perception adjusted back to where it was!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Deep End...

I've been thinking about how to blog this since Sunday, and I still don't know if I will be able to fully express everything that happened from Sunday-Tuesday, but I am going to give it my best shot.

Sunday morning's post was in regards to having to wait for him to make his move.  Sometimes it's frustrating, I feel like a gift that is all wrapped up, patiently, painstakingly, making sure every part of the package is as beautiful and inviting as I can make it... so when he doesn't approach me for sex... it can feel like he is rejecting the gift.  Now I know, rationally, that we are not going to have sex every day.  I understand that life gets in the way and we're only human, we get tired, sick, worn down.  But emotionally, I want to feel close to him.  He isn't a verbal person, he doesn't talk about feelings, he shows me with actions; therefore, I want sex even more so that I can feel connected and close to him.  We didn't have sex on Friday or Saturday, I was feeling a bit frustrated by Sunday.

Sunday night we had to be at an event.  Our weekends are very busy, so I was meeting him there.  As I got ready to go, I got a bit evil.  Now I know he is a sucker for garter belts and stockings - he just is, it's hard wired.  I just happened to have an all in one, long sleeve fishnet dress with attached garter belt and stockings that I had picked up and hadn't worn yet.  So I finished my hair and make up and slithered into it.  Looking in the mirror, I wasn't completely satisfied - my body isn't exactly centerfold material and there was no support for my boobs.  But I knew he would like it, if only for the exoticism plus the garter belt and stockings.   I was tempted to just wear my trench coat over it but my inner voice was saying things like, "What if there was an accident and that was all you had on?", so I put on a black, ankle length skirt (with a slit up the side) and a  black sweater over the top of it.  Of course, I still wore my trench coat - I didn't have a bra on after all!  So really all you could see was a flash of fishnet stockings when the slit moved.  

When I got there he asked what took me so long as his eyes looked me over.  I actually saw his pupils dilate when he saw the glimpse of fishnet - what a powerful, feminine feeling!  The entire time we were there he kept looking at my ankles and trying to get a glimpse of the bit of calf that showed through the slit before my trench coat covered it.  I had truly forgotten what it felt like to have that attention from him outside of the bedroom - I was giddy to say the least.  When the evening was over, I left quickly before him and drove home.  As soon as I got home I quickly ran in the bedroom, ditched the long skirt and sweater and put on a jersey wrap dress.  I was still decently covered, but the dress showed more of my legs.  I carried on like nothing was up, clearing dishes and tidying up before bed.  I said goodnight to him and our children who were still up (they were all on the couch watching TV) and taking a book with me went and laid on the bed.  I let him handle getting everyone off to bed.  Once I heard him locking up for the night, I ran in the bathroom, freshened up and was patiently waiting on the bed when he came in.  

As soon as he came in the room, he clicked off the lights.  "Hey, I'm reading here," I said.  "Not anymore," he growled and lay on the bed next to me.  He gathered me into his arms, one arm under my neck and ran his hand up my leg, feeling the stockings.  His arm under my neck was rigid, I could feel how muscular he is and his hard hand possessively sweeping up my leg - it was incredibly erotic.  He just shoved my covering dress up out of his way as his hand continued to roughly caress all the way up to my neck, feeling as he did the fishnet dress covering me.  He slid his hands down and around my back, down to my ass, feeling the way the dress stopped and the garters began.  He kind of growled, deep in his throat, and then my non-verbal husband became... umm... very verbal and demanding.

"Are you mine?", he asked.  "Yes, I love you," I whispered.  But that wasn't enough as he swooped his head down, capturing a nipple and sucking it through the fishnet and into his mouth.  "Are you mine?", he growled around my nipple clamped between his teeth, but I could only mewl a response as the feel of his lips and teeth and the fishnet all blended together and my nipples got so hard they almost hurt.

He quickly shoved two fingers into me and said, "Is this my pussy?".  I whimpered as his fingers plunged in again and as that wasn't an answer he added another finger and stretched me tightly.  "Is this my pussy?", he asked again.  "Yes," I moaned.  "And is this my ass?", he asked as he slowly slid a finger in.  "Yes, yes," I gasped as I felt him stretching me there.  He began to move his fingers together, sliding them in and out of both my slit and my ass until I was panting for release.  Quickly he withdrew his fingers and slapped my pussy several times before plunging back in and moving his fingers against my g-spot as he again slid a finger into my ass.  "Is this my pussy?, he demanded as he slipped his fingers out and rubbed them rapidly, harshly against my clitoris.  And then it happened... and it happened over and over (we'll discuss this more later).  But I had multiple, multiple orgasms while he was doing that.  He continued to finger me, there was oral, there was a lot of fun stuff and more orgasms before he pulled me onto my knees and with his fists in my hair thrust his cock over and over into my mouth.  He pulled me on top of him and made me ride through two more orgasms (with a few spanks on the ass to keep me moving but not spanking per say).  We finished with him behind me, me almost upright on my knees holding on to the bedpost for dear life as he held my head up with my hair fisted in his hands.  It was, hands down, the most amazing sex of my life.

But afterwards, when he got up to use the bathroom; as I lay there and tried to remember to breathe, eventually I had to move over to my side of the bed.  I concentrated very hard and made a tremendous effort to get my body (I was completely limp, boneless and sated) to move over to my side of the bed, which was where the first few orgasms happened, before he had me climb on top of him.  There was the wet spot - which wasn't a wet spot at all - it was a lake.  I didn't know what to think - this had never happened before.  I was standing on shaky  legs, stripping off the sheets when he came back in.  "What are you doing?", he asked with a bit of a smirk.  "The sheets are wet," I mumbled as I quickly bundled them and the mattress protector (Thank God I had one on the bed!) into a ball.  "Well, there have been wet spots before," he said - again with a bit of a smirk.  "This is too wet," I whispered as I pulled a blanket over the mattress in lieu of sheets.  I went into the bathroom to wash up - What happened?  Did I come so hard I peed?  I went back into bed on still shaky legs and we snuggled in and went to sleep, but I was so mortified.  Did he notice?  Did I pee?  Oh, My God, what it he thinking?

When we woke up the next morning, the house was quiet and everyone was still asleep.  I actually woke up first and snuggled up to him.  He pulled me close and as I lay with my head on his chest I began to stroke my way down only to discover part of him wide awake and ready for the day.  Slow sweet morning sex - yum!  But I was still embarrassed about the night before, and I was unusually quiet as we went about our mornings.  I couldn't look at him without blushing and he couldn't (or wouldn't) stop smirking at me.

As soon as he left for one of his errands I ran to put the sheets in the wash.  Looking at the sheets the wet stuff was whitish, not yellow thank God, and smelling it (of course I smelled it - I had to - what the hell was this?) it didn't smell like pee, kind of, but not really (and with three kids I have changed pee sheets before - this didn't look or smell like that) but then what the hell was it?

Once I had the wash started I ran to Google.  Can I just say that the value of Google is underrated - how would I have ever know what had happened without it?  This was not taught in sex ed.  But apparently (and for those of you who already knew this - "THBPBPTHPT!" [that's me, sticking out my tongue and blowing a raspberry] - I never even heard of it.  I've actually spent days thinking about this and I can only remember once, in college hearing of it.  And then, the girl who told me about it thought she had peed - so there!) it is actually called female ejaculation, more commonly known as squirting.

You can look it up yourself if you don't believe me, but according to Wikipedia "Female ejaculation is the expulsion of fluid by human females from the paraurethral ducts through and around the urethra during or before an orgasm. It is also known colloquially as gushing or squirting,[1] although these are considered to be different phenomena in some research publications.[2] The exact source and nature of the fluid continue to be a topic of debate among medical professionals, which is also related to doubts over the existence of the G-Spot." 

Basically, we women all have the ability to do this but it doesn't always happen.  This is a great article too:

So, of course I needed to know more.  I discovered that according to the Chinese Tao, there are nine levels of orgasm.  Yes, I believe my husband took me through all nine levels Sunday night.  That is a bit scary because the 9th level is total surrender.  Which has thrown me for an emotional loop.


A woman riding the orgasmic wave resembles a lotus flower blossoming. As the woman orgasms, the flower gently unfolds until she experiences all nine levels of orgasm, which is considered a complete orgasm. When she is in full bloom, this totally open flower is exquisite, yet vulnerable. She now surrenders to you, her devotee, the man (or woman), who has served her so well.

There is more after four:  Many mistake the level four vaginal orgasm as the complete orgasm, but you’re only half way there to a complete orgasm (which is all nine levels). Before tantra, it was believed women had the same type of single peak orgasm as men; peak then drop. How little we knew. Until now. Keep going.

Each orgasm level energizes specific body parts and evokes observable response in the woman:

Level Energized Organs Observable Response
One Lungs The woman sighs, breathes heavy, salivates
Two Heart Woman extends tongue to her lover while kissing
Three Spleen, Pancreas, Stomach Woman grasps and holds man tightly with activated muscles
Four Kidneys, Bladder Vaginal spasms and secretions flow
Five Bones Joints loosen and she may feel the urge to bite her lover
Six Liver, Nerves Woman undulates and gyrates like a snake, wrapping limbs around her lover
Seven Blood Blood boiling, she frantically touches her lover everywhere
Eight Muscles Muscles relax.  Urge to bite intensifies as she grabs her lover's nipples
Nine Entire Body Energized Woman collapses in "mini death", surrenders to her lover and is completely open

So, even now that I know all of this, when we had sex on Monday night, I found myself holding back a bit.  I still had my orgasms, but I wouldn't let myself completely let go like I did on Sunday.  And I found myself doing the same thing on Tuesday night (I got my maintenance spanking on Tuesday night too, and it was a good one) and I didn't let go completely even though I was in a very submissive state of mind.  I think on Tuesday night it was more the fear of ruining the sheets again than a fear of surrendering, but either way, I was still holding back.  Maybe because he wasn't as verbally forceful and commanding as he was on Sunday.  Sunday night I submitted completely. Mentally and physically - I was his.  

Which means there are no more guards, no more barriers.  I didn't realize it, but I think I've always had a bit of a barrier, always had my guard up.  I mean, when I met my husband I had a past.  I had previous lovers.  I had been hurt.  So maybe I was afraid to be hurt again, maybe I never really let go.  When things were bad between us, even when the sex was good there was a guard, a barrier - I was never completely open to him.  We've been married for 15 years, three children, love, laughter, good times, loss of loved ones, we've been close - we've been estranged, but in all of those years I have never been this open.

So as I am working through this emotionally I came across a picture that described it perfectly - and of course now I cannot remember who's blog I saw it on.  But it was a beautiful black and white picture of a woman just leaving her swing on the trapeze and reaching out, body arched, trusting that her partner will catch her safely.  She hasn't quite left her swing yet, but you know the momentum is going to carry her into space any moment - and you know that he will be there to catch her as she free falls...  I believe that we are right in that moment now - and I have to trust that the water isn't too deep - I have to trust he will catch me if I let go...