Monday, February 11, 2013

Technical Difficulties...

Sorry I have not posted! 

We have a few computer issues to work out.  

I plan on being back up and running soon!  

Thanks for your patience!

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Not so Orginal...

Mmm - husband and I had a very nice night last night.  A little " necessary roughness", to coin a phrase.  I promise I will post more on that tomorrow, but for today I want to get down Chapter 2 of "Double or Nothing" before I lose it... and since I am working on that I really don't have a post.

But... if you want a good laugh (I laughed until I cried) please go to the link below!

17 Shades of Stupid: Cosmo's Worst BDSM Tips


PS - I still need some names for my characters... otherwise it'll be a whole lot of he said/she said!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Double or Nothing

Well, things aren't bad but they're pretty bland.  I could post about it - but I'm kind of getting sick of talking about myself - feeling a bit self centered!  So.... A bit of fiction to brighten your day?

Double or Nothing

As she looked down at her hand she wondered how she had gotten herself into this situation.  Sure, they had been friends for a long time - in fact she considered him one of her best friends.  But they had never dated, never even talked about dating, or sex, or anything.  So to be playing strip poker was crazy!

They had been just hanging out, relaxing with a group of friends.  Someone had fired up a joint and passed it around.  It was very good stuff and she was laughing and having a great time.  But one person after another had left - and now it was just the two of them, alone at his house.  She was thinking she should leave (how had she ended up being the last guest?) when he suggested a game of cards.  He grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and the two of them started playing poker at the kitchen table.  "You know how to play poker?" he asked dubiously.  "Of course I do!  I happen to be very good at poker!" she exaggerated.  (She knew that pairs were good and that a run of cards of the same suit meant something... but she certainly wasn't going to let him know she had no idea what a royal flush was!)  "Okay, okay," he laughed.  "Then you won't mind if we play for stakes?"

Stakes?  She didn't get paid again until next week and she only had about $5 in her jeans.  "Um, how much are we talking?" she hedged.

"Oh, I wouldn't gamble with a lady," he smirked, "but I would be willing to bet an article of clothing that my hand can beat yours."

"Strip poker?" she asked laughing, thinking he was teasing her.

"Yep," he said, watching her carefully.

There was something about the way he looked at her, something that challenged her, dared her.

"You're on!" she said as she began to shuffle.

She only had on socks, jeans, a sweater and her underwear to begin with.  He had already claimed her socks and jeans before she got lucky with a pair of kings.  He pulled off his shirt and she allowed herself the pleasure of looking at him as the shirt rose over his head.  He was ripped, really well-built and she wondered that she had never noticed before.  He wasn't bulging with muscles, but the long lean torso was muscled and she watched the play of the muscles across his chest and down his stomach as his arms reached overhead.  She greedily slid her gaze down, following the fine line that led down past the button on his jeans.  Her eyes rested on his crotch and she wondered....

She became aware that he was looking back at her.  She met his bold blue eyes and felt herself flush.  "Get a grip," she told herself crossly as she looked back at her cards, "it's just a game."

He watched her from under hooded eyes as she looked at her cards, biting her lower lip.  How long had he waited to bite that lip? he wondered.  He had enjoyed feeling her eyes on him, enjoyed watching her flush when she realized he had seen.  He had been biding his time for years now.  There was something so... raw... in the connection they had.  They had been tiptoeing around this for years.  Either she was involved with someone, or he was, or he had worried that acting on impulse might hurt their friendship.  He kept waiting for her to make a move, but she never did.  Tonight though, tonight all bets were off.

He lay down his straight and she shot him a look that was almost a glare as she lay her pair of two's on the table.  "Do I get to choose?" he teased her.  She thought about what she had left.  What should she take off?  Her sweater reached down to her hips, with a bit of tugging she might be able to keep some dignity.  "No," she said, "ladies choice," as she slipped her panties off while tugging her sweater lower.  She folded them neatly and set them on the table.

He had to laugh as she scowled at the pile in front of him.  If he was judging right she only had the sweater and bra left.  It was time to make his move.  "How about we go double or nothing?" he asked in a friendly way as he began to shuffle.  "What do you mean?" she asked suspiciously.

"If you win, I lose two items, if I win, you do," he said.

She thought about it briefly.  She had a bad run so far, she was due for a good hand - and even if she lost, that would mean game over.  "Okay," she agreed, eager to win and take some of his clothing for her own.

As she looked down at her hand she wondered how she had gotten herself into this situation.  She had a seven, a two, a five, a nine and a jack.  She discarded and drew - great, now she had a three, a two, an ace, a nine and a jack.  Maybe, just maybe...

"Why don't we make this more interesting," she purred.

He raised his eyebrows at her, "What do you have in mind?"

"If I win you have to do something for me, and if you win I have to do something for you," she said, thinking hastily.  She wanted to bet enough so that he would call it off, she wanted him to think her hand was way better than in really was.

"Like what?" he asked.

Damn it!  He didn't sound worried, just intrigued.

"If I win, you'll be my slave for the rest of the day," she smiled wickedly, thinking of making him wash her car or make her dinner.

"If I win, you'll be my slave then?" he asked, with a gleam in his eye that she did not see.  "Okay, I call!"

Shit!  She lay her cards down slowly, keeping the nine behind the ace.  "Pair of aces," she bluffed.  He grinned at her and touched her cards with a finger so that they spread out.  "Really?  You would cheat me?" he asked in a shocked voice.  He lay down his cards, "Full house."

Crap, crap crap!  She stood up, "Okay, you win," she sighed as she reached for her clothes.  He put his hand over them before she could grab them.  "What do you think you're doing?" he asked.  "Putting on my jeans so I can vacuum, or cook, or whatever," she answered.

"Oh, I think we have a misunderstanding," he said coming to stand behind her.  "I won, which means I get your clothes and you are my slave for the rest of the day."

He lifted the edge of her sweater and began to pull it over her head.  Her protests were muffled as the heavy sweater went over her face and he held it there while he snapped his fingers in the middle of her back.  The bra opened like magic at his touch and she felt his finger trace her spine.  He finished pulling her sweater off and stepped forward so that his body was pressed against the length of hers.   Damn it!  She forgot how much taller he was then her, she barely came up to his chin.  She could feel the roughness of his jeans against the small of her back and the smoothness of his skin against her shoulders as he slipped her bra straps down her arms and pulled it free.

She stayed facing away from him, too embarrassed to turn as she began to complain.  "I can't exactly cook naked!" she fumed.  "Who said anything about cooking?" he asked.

"Well you said I had to be your slave for the rest of the day!" she shot back.  She felt his body tremble against hers as he laughed.  "Actually, you were the one who came up with the slave for the day - I just won!" he laughed.

He stepped back and gathered her hair up.  He had always wanted to run his fingers through her hair, she had so much of it.  He pulled it up on her head into a ponytail and fisted his hand there.  "Get on your knees," he commanded.

She jumped at the sound of his voice.  He sounded so... stern.  Well, she could take a joke, she would just play along, she thought as she lowered herself to her knees.  His grip on her hair did not loosen, if anything it got tighter as he used her hair to keep her upright and very straight.

"You agree you are my slave for the day?"


"As my slave, you will not object to anything I say or do?  Until this time tomorrow you will serve me willingly and do exactly as I say?" he asked.

She felt a rush of excitement run through her at the thought.  Of course he didn't really mean it, he was just teasing her, testing her...but the thought of him using her.... "Yes," she agreed.

"Turn around," he commanded.

She tried to stand up but he used her hair to keep her on her knees.  She turned on her knees awkwardly and realized that her face was on level with his crotch.  She was face to face with the bulge in  his jeans, and suddenly had to swallow hard.

"What are your hard lines?" he asked.

"What?" she asked.  What were hard lines?

He reached down and tipped her face towards his.  He studied her eyes and then his gaze dropped down to her mouth.  She doesn't know how to play, he realized.  He looked into her eyes again and then looked at the flush of her cheeks and the way her lips were slightly parted.  But she wants to play, he thought and excitement surged through him.  He never thought that he would be her first.  All the signs of submission were there, he had been watching her for years, agonizing over the thoughts of her with different masters.  The realization that she was untutored, that he could mold her... his cock was so hard it ached.

What happens next?  Well of course we all want to know what happens next!  I need some names for my characters though! I can see them in my mind's eye, he has dark hair, he is tall with an athletic build but not overly muscled (think runner's build).  He has bright blue eyes and a wicked, wicked smile.  She has thick maple sugar and honey hair, curly with a curvy build (36,26,36), nice lips and blue/green eyes.  Please leave suggestions below - names are always the hardest part for me!  Oh, and I promise it gets much, much better!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Removing the layers...

I am finding that as you progress through this type of relationship, whatever label you want to put on it D/s, submissive, DD, TTWD, you begin to peel away layers, walls, barriers.  Even being relatively new to this dynamic, I have felt the layers peeling away.

The removal of some of those layers has been very freeing.  Being honest about my needs and discovering that my husband does not feel repelled or think I am weird - that in itself was very liberating.  Letting down walls that have been up for years.  Letting my husband be close to me.  Realizing that I am desirable (still struggling with that one). 

Admitting that I have no ambition for a career outside of the home, contrary to what was instilled in me from childhood and still gets pushed on me by well meaning friends and family like: "But what will you do when the children get older?" "What if your husband leaves you?"  "What will your contribution to the world be?"  Right now I am totally satisfied with being a homemaker, wife and mother.  Hopefully someday I will be recognized as an author.  But in the meantime, I plan on being a homemaker, wife and mother and I refuse to feel ashamed of that anymore.

Writing all of these emotions down and opening up to all of you helps immensely.  Reading your thoughts, stories and experiences helps me more than I can say.  Someday I would like to be able to feel fully free to just be me - and make no apologies for it (Vanillamom :) 

But now, it is all so new and sometimes scary. 

With so many old layers gone and the skin underneath feeling still raw I am way too vulnerable to this.  I am becoming so open.  Lately I have been feeling like I have been tearing down a pretty big wall.  The "Fear of Rejection" wall.  This is a very thick, very strong, almost impervious wall.  But it has been shaking lately and with the shaking a lot of debris has fallen.  I find myself picking through the rubble and examining it.
  1. The first boy who got to 2nd base with me, then told all his friends about my breasts in detail and they laughed.
  2. The boy I gave my virginity to after dating for a year, who then dumped me for my best friend.
  3. The boy who dated me for three years and then dropped me.
  4. The boy I thought I loved who didn't love me back.
  5. The career I invested myself in for ten years that ended in a lay off.
  6. The business I poured myself into that wouldn't show a profit.
Are they failures, or rejections or just life lessons?  Whatever they are, they caused me to begin to guard my heart, guard my soul from taunting laughter, rejection, intimacy... things that caused me to doubt myself, my worth and my abilities.  It hurts to have these things resurface, and yet it is cleansing to release them - a kind of pleasure/pain - connections withing connections.

But it is scary to start peeling away these layers because it leaves me vulnerable and open.  At the same time, being so open makes for greater intimacy (and better sex) and a better marriage with my husband.


Last night and this morning husband has been in a mood.  I'm not sure what is bothering him (I have some ideas but again, he just isn't verbal) and he has been very edgy.  And not edgy in a good way.

He is falling back on his old ways of dealing with this.  So he is mumbling, nasty and short tempered (I don't think spanking him would help the way it helps me!) and I know that he is worried about something but he is not sharing.  I try to be available to him but he is not interested in that right now (which is a shame because I would be willing to have him "vent" this on me - and I do think it would help) and I do not want to force the issue - I already feel inadequate and rejected.  How can I not feel rejected when he shut me out, when he turns me down, when he locks it all inside and does not let me in?  

The dam burst this morning, and now I not only do not want to force the issue, I want to rebuild walls and say screw it.  He's pissed, I'm hurt and this is not going to be the only bump in our road.  I know that there will be plenty of times that we have rough roads.  But...

I can't help but feel his pulling away (even though I KNOW he is only doing it to cope with whatever it is he is dealing with) as a rejection of me.  I immediately go into a spiral of doubt.  Somehow, someway this must be because of me.  Because I am not:

Hot Enough
Thin Enough
Contributing Monetarily
Running the House Efficiently

On, and on and on.  I immediately want to shore up the "Wall of Rejection" because that is my fall back safety.  That is the wall that keeps me safe from rejection.  I've been relying on its' strength for years.

I know if he could hear me now he would say, "It's not always about you!".  I can't seem to help it though.  I blame myself for his moods.  I know this isn't right, I know it isn't fair and I know it isn't how he feels.  This is how I feel.  Then I take it further, I take it right into the heart of the whole DD dynamic.  I begin to doubt.  Maybe all of this was just a phase and we're going to go back to where things were before.  I HATED how things were before.  I felt like we were on a gerbil wheel, round and round, miserable with no end in sight. I don't want to go back to that - EVER!

What if he has only been trying this to please me and now he is bored with it/me?  What if he doesn't like it anymore? What if he wants to go back to the old us?

What if I need to put those walls back up?  What if I tore them down too quickly and now I need their protection?  

What if I stay this open?  What if...

Monday, February 4, 2013

Roller Coaster

What is it about this lifestyle?  One minute I am higher than high, suddenly lower than low - wait back up high - oh no quick drop - oh wait, I think we're rising again...

I read something interesting called sub drop (you can read about it here, here and here) but I'm not sure if that is really it.

Last night was incredible - like oh my God, grab the sheets, stifle your screams amazing.  Pretty vanilla though (not that I'm complaining) just saying.  Very little slapping or spanking (some light slaps on the pussy, maybe a little pinch of the nipple) but nothing extreme, nothing that I would say was edgy.

But, his hands, his fingers - the man is magic!  I had orgasm after orgasm after orgasm until it seemed to turn into one continuous one (very awesome).  I was laughing so hard after - seriously could not move.  Could not move my arms or legs, not because of restraints but because they were just so limp and relaxed.

Husband is like, "Move over!" as I lay there sideways across the bed and laughing like a loon.  "Seriously, I can't!" I laugh at him.  He hauls me up and kind of shoves me over and I roll ungainly to my side of the bed, laughing the entire time.  So absolutely (in a rock my world, completely satisfied, blow my mind, so incredible that I can never have enough of him) we had sex.  Oh, and I wore the chemise he bought me - he did NOT break the straps - so I will be wearing it again (which is good because it is really beautiful!).

But... (there's always a but right?) this morning I woke up feeling ready for more... and I tried to take more... which he "tolerated" until he realized that children were going to be up soon - so he STOPPED!  Just STOPPED!  (After re-reading I realized that I needed to clarify this so you can fully understand my angst.  I started with a hand job/blow job, then proceeded to reverse cowgirl and then, as I got really close, we rolled to him on top, behind me, thrusting hard and repeatedly hitting that spot (ya know, the good spot) right on the brink of.... and STOP!  Just pulled out and said, "the kid's are going to be up"  WHAT? NO! WHAT?)  No "O" for me - no "O" for him... who does that?  Apparently he does!

So I am ready to kill people!  It's like the worst case of PMS ever!  I should be grateful for last night, in fact I should be exhausted after last night.  Instead, I am like a teenage boy - all I think about is sex.  I just read the funniest photo essay "Addicted to Crack" on Barney married Wilma's Blog.  Yep, that sums it up for me!

I'm addicted to the highs he brings me to - he is definitely my pusher and my dealer and I am jonesing for my fix! The more he gives me, the more I want...

The problem is (again) REAL LIFE is getting IN MY WAY and keeping me from getting MY FIX! 

Laundry, vacuuming, dusting and cooking all needs to be done, children to care for and real life to live.

But secretly, the entire time I AM WAITING FOR MY HIGH! Waiting for the chance for him to take me to those heights again.

I'm an addict - I might as well admit it.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Saturday Morning Funnies

I find that my time to blog over the weekends and on Mondays gets a bit tight.  So I've decided to add Saturday Morning Cartoons...

These all made me laugh, so I hope you enjoy them!  Have a great weekend everyone!

Not the Bat-Strap! I saw this on and laughed so hard - I had to share!

Goes so well with the above pic.  I kind of wish I was Catwoman - lol!

Okay, it really should say "Apparently there is a party in aisle 15" but still funny!
A parents worse fear when doing DD - How would you explain that?
Hopefully no one ever goes in my drawer...

Friday, February 1, 2013

The fun house...

As I vented to you yesterday, even the best fantasy can be shredded when reality keeps cutting in.  I tried the blue balcony bra again yesterday, but I'm starting to think it is not a lucky bra because it does not get me the results it should.  I even unzipped my hoody a bit more so that more cleavage would show.  Unfortunately my husband caught me in the act of tugging the zipper down further, which amused him.  He was easily amused yesterday and in a teasing mood - but I was flat out getting pissy.

Dinner was easy (no doggy doo-doo, thank goodness!), I made homemade cookies afterwards and while cleaning up the kitchen reminded my husband that my show would be on tonight and that I wanted to watch it.  It was "Our America with Lisa Ling re-airing "Shades of Kink" 

 (You can see the schedule by clicking here.) 

It was to be airing on "E" in my area last night.  Because it is an obviously adult topic, I wanted to watch it in our bedroom.  Unfortunately my husband explained that our television in our bedroom does not get that channel and I would have to watch it in the living room.  Fine, but that means all children had to be in bed before it came on.  I explained to the children that mommy was going to watch a grown up show and that I needed everyone in bed on time - which I felt was more than fair - I rarely watch TV (I'd rather read) so me requesting TV time is kind of unprecedented in our house.

I went in the bathroom to take my bath before the show aired.   I had disinfected and cleaned the whole thing earlier that day so it was actually a joy to take my bath.  The bathroom was clean and fresh and I had even washed the shower curtain and rehung it fresh from the washer.  Everything looked shiny and bright and smelled nice.  There was plenty of hot water and I pulled the shower curtain back, turned on the hot water to fill the tub and went into the laundry room to get my clean robe for after.  Ahh, plenty of hot water - "Just what the Dr. ordered," I thought as I sank in to the heat.  Except...

When I washed the shower curtain I didn't have a full load.  I hate to run only one thing through and  I looked for somethings to add to the load.  I grabbed a towel used for the dogs paws and a rag rug.  Unfortunately, unbeknownst to me, one of the hairy beasts had decided to sleep on either the towel or the rug at some point.  My shower curtain, the towel and rugs are all dark shades of blue so I didn't see the hair.  Because I hung the shower curtain straight from the washer to let it dry on the curtain rod, dog hair must have been all over it.  Being a slick, waterproof material the curtain dried quickly, apparently shedding doggy hairs as it dried. Many of them.  Many, many, many of them...  So, when I pulled the curtain back to fill the tub it must have caused them all to fall off the curtain and into the tub.

I was sitting in hot water with floating hair... a lot of floating hair.  Are you disgusted and gagging yet?  Because I sure was!  Infuriated and grossed out I pulled the plug, grabbed some soap and my razor the wash up in the shower.  Except...

I had used all the hot water filling the tub.  Shaving in cold water is difficult given the goosebumps all over my body.  Shaving delicate areas while shivering and trying to hurry is not pleasant.  Screw this - I am NOT washing my hair.

Fuming, cold, aggravated beyond measure I storm out of the bathroom and into the living room.  To discover all of my men watching a hockey game.  On the only TV that I can use.  For the show that started two minutes ago.

Bitchy is an understatement.

I drive them all out of "my" room in a fury.  After children have been banished I finally put on my show.

"Are you ****ing kidding me?" I scream at the television.  My show is not on.  Even though the information says it is on - I hit info on my remote control.

Um yeah... that's what is supposed to be on, but this is not what I see.  What I see is women making a music video... WTF?  Husband comes in to see what I am yelling about.  He is amused... I am NOT amused.

Storm into the bedroom, throw robe on the floor, grab a long cotton nightgown out of the drawer and flop into bed.  He is still standing in the doorway watching me.  "You okay?" he asks.

Let the Bitch Fest Begin starting with dog crap and dog hair and ending with "I'm just going to sleep!"

He puts the hockey game on in our room and sits there watching it.  I glower with my face on the pillow facing the other way.  He watches the game until the end, while I lay there and list all of my anger causing, unfair, aggravating events in my mind and start to drift into sleep.

He click off the television and lays next to me, placing ice cold feet on the back of my calves.   "Your feet are freezing," I exclaim and try to pull away.  "I know, my hands are too," he says, "but you're not." He reaches down and pulls my night gown up over my ass and places his hands on it.  "You seem nice and warm, but I bet I can make you even warmer," he says as he begins to squeeze.

Aggravation magically disappears as I turn onto my stomach to give him more access.  Mmm- nice rubbing and squeezing.  But then he begins to squeeze a cheek up nice and plump and then as he releases, smack.  This turned into a really awesome rhythm, hard squeeze, hard smack alternating cheeks.  I began to relax into it and then he began to spank me in earnest, quick, hard, rapid fire spanks that had me grabbing onto the arm he placed around me.  "Oh was that five?  I think I lost count.  I guess I'll have to start over..." he teased as he continued his assault.  He switched cheeks but then claimed to have lost count again - honestly I didn't care - I just wanted him to keep going!

Then he began to spank even harder for being, "Bitchy," and "Pissy" and "Bratty" and then for being an "Ungrateful Little Brat" (which for some reason really sunk in - I really was being ungrateful, I have so much to be grateful for!  I am so glad that he said it - it was just the mental adjustment I needed).  

He slid his fingers down and checked how wet I was.  I rolled onto my back to be open for him.  It felt so good and I spread my legs wider as he began to slide his fingers into me.  Serious orgasm building up and then "Smack" right on my pussy.  I involuntarily closed my legs and he roughly parted them again.  "Smack, smack, smack..." I closed my legs again (I can't help it - it's instinct!) and turned on my side.

He began to spank me on my ass again and then I felt his hands in my hair pulling me upright.  I thought he was pulling me back into position for more spanking, but he used my hair to turn my head and shoved his hard cock into my mouth.

"Take it!," he commanded and shoved it deep.  I gagged and he pulled me up by my hair.  "Take it," he said, shoving it back in, "Take all of it!"  

I tried, I really did, but he is so big and I ended up gagging again.  He fisted his hand in my hair and roughly fucked my face. 

Then he was spanking me again - or was he spanking me while his cock was in my mouth?  It all kind of gets blurry...

He pulled my nightgown over my head as he growled, "Give me those tits."  And he sucked as much as he could into his mouth hard...  

I wish I could tell this more coherently...I honestly don't know what I am not remembering at this point - it was all blurry in a fantastic sensory overload and I do mean a seriously fantastic overload!

I do know that once he was inside me he grabbed my hair and made me focus on his eyes.   He kissed me and asked, "Do you love me?"  "Yes, yes, I love  you so much..."

He slid in and out of me as he kissed me deeply and then stopped and held me still... "Do you like having my cock inside you?"   "Yes, please, it feels so good..."

He held me tightly against him, his cock buried deep inside of me, "Then come for me, come all over my cock!"

And I did, and I did again, and again... and when he pulled out he knelt on the bed and sprayed it all over my tits - I opened my mouth like a porn star and he shot it over my face.

I was a puddle of mush, boneless... he went and brought me a hot washcloth so I could clean up.  After we cleaned up I lay there and felt my legs tremble and tremble until it finally struck me funny and I laughed.  "What's so funny?" he asked sleepily.  "My legs," I mumbled back somewhat incoherently... 

Now, I can tell you this (why stop sharing now, right?)- I really could have used a longer and harder spanking - I felt like it was just starting to reset my mood and I wasn't ready for him to stop- but submission means he is in charge and I am in such a better place of mind today.

A lot of Domestic Discipline I read about is more intense than what I get from my husband, so sometimes I wish it was longer or harder.  I actually want him to be more demanding and I want him to spank me longer/harder (or at least I think I do!) or "make" me do more than I do.  He is not a harsh task master at all.  But a lot of BDSM I read is too much for me (I guess I like soft BDSM if that is a phrase) so that makes a fine line for him to walk.  Plus, I know he seriously has an issue with hurting me - I think he is working through it just fine though:)- so I know that my line and his line probably have a bit of a gap between them.

If he likes to do it light than that is fine with me - the fact that he is dominating/disciplining, or taking control is what trips my trigger more so then the pain/pleasure part.  But when I fantasize about discipline it is more intense than what we have actually done.  I fantasize about him spanking me until I am begging him to stop - and then he takes it just a bit further.  Also, I loved that he called me "Bratty" and "An Ungrateful Little Brat" - I really do!  It's just what I needed to hear!  I love that he is getting more verbal in the bedroom - OMG - his voice turns me on!  Just thinking about the things he said last night gets me excited!

Like I said yesterday - when we are in full swing the reality is way better than any fantasy could be!  So dog hair, doggy doo-doo, sick children and all - I love our Fun House!