Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Taking the Back Roads

I saw this picture (thank you Deviant Wench!), and ummm, wow - just wow! I really need this back in our life!  I won't say that we haven't had any sex since my last post, but the level of intimacy... it just isn't there.  I mentioned in my earlier post that I have a plan - and I do, and it's a really, really good plan.  I just can't seem to get husband on board though.  It involves a road trip, and days off from work and days of really excellent, reconnecting, this thing we do, domestic discipline everything balled up into one phenominal second honeymoon.  And I can't seem to get through to him...

This idea came to me a few weeks ago, and my campaign has been going on for almost two weeks now.  I am so desperate to reconnect and I think he would agree with me when I say that reality came between us HARD this past year (slightly over a year now) and it has changed who we are, in some ways, forever.  Our security has been shaken, his even more than mine, and he exists by working and taking care of business.  I will be going back to work soon and the window of opportunity for us to connect again on that intimate level is growing smaller by the minute.  We really need days... if we just get away for a night it will be a great night, I'm sure, but we'll fall right back into the routine we're in now.

I just know that if we could leave our worries behind, for only a few days, we would come back united and ready to re-shoulder our burdens, but I think we would carry the load more evenly between us, and the silent distance between us would be erased.  The distance between us scares me, it is not something I have been able to break through and I am becoming desperate for us to connect, to bond and especially to be as open and surrendering as I was before.  I don't feel safe anymore.  Wow - I think that is the first time I said that out loud - I NO LONGER FEEL SAFE!

It wasn't until I was re-reading this blog today that I realized how far we've walked away from this life, and I don't know if he even realizes how this distance effects me emotionally.  Once you are that open with someone and they retreat and shut you off, it's no wonder I am so desperate to connect again.

Money, money, money.  I have noticed that when husband and I argue, he is talking money and I am talking emotions.  I know money is tight, but I also know that a vacation now, versus a year from now, will give us something to hold on to for the next year.  

I really wish I had a cheery, everything is great "this thing we do" post for you, but when we hit the rough patch it changed it all.  We fell back into old ruts and old arguments and when I re-read my blog today, it made me cry... because we were on the right track before and I want it back so badly.

So keep your fingers crossed for me - never say never and that window of opportunity is still open.  I have a lottery ticket on my desk in front of me and plenty of ideas in mind!  I only need to find about $1,000 to pull it off and I think that if I can come up with the money, he will find a way to make the time.  

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