So, I've shared with you how far we've come from the beginning of our journey or rather the fact that DD has been on the back burner for over a year. I didn't really share why it is on the back burner because that is husband's personal business, but trust me, he is not purposely neglecting me. Even though I understood that, I've been sad, I've mourned the loss of it, I found my way back to my blog....then I became more frustrated, more sad, more upset. I felt like the magic was gone.
I told you I wanted to take that trip, To husband I hinted, I planned, I cajoled...
BUT, I was still somewhat submissive (although not so much in my mind). I slid back into my old habits just like he did (sweats and hair up in a clip, no make-up, kind of messy house) because really, why bother? He wasn't noticing anyway. Although I found that as I began to re-read my blog I began to straighten my act out a bit. So I was getting back in my groove, dressed nice, hair done, makeup... but in my mind I was very resentful. I didn't actually say anything, I was still verbally submissive.
Until yesterday, when I was told that we absolutely would not be going on the trip. Then, I had a complete break down, starting with snarky comments, followed by snapping out my "demands" and finishing by bursting into tears. I didn't storm out of the house (I thought about it), I didn't throw things (I wanted to), I tried to articulate what I need (I couldn't).
He took me in my office, closed the door and talked to me for over an hour.
He explained a lot of where his mind has been for the last few months and did it in a way that I could understand. His distance from me had absolutely nothing to do with me. He never stopped his HOH duties, just his discipline of me. Compared to the other balls he is juggling it seemed a minor thing (to him) to let go of and he did not realize that his withdrawal affected me so much.
After that I was able to articulate my need for time with him to reconnect and re-establish TTWD .
Compromises were made, goals were set and a mini stay-cation (staying home without children) is set for Thursday-Saturday.
It's like magic! As soon as he re-established his authority and took charge of how we would accomplish meeting my needs, all of my anxiety was gone. So today I am so peaceful - it really is amazing that simply by telling me what he expected from me could wipe out the crazy anxiety, worries and fears that have been spinning in my mind for months now. Like poof - they are gone.
I will say that for me TTWD keeps me motivated and while I love spanking (I do, I really do!) what really makes me tick is his taking charge. I love submitting to him in every way.