50 Shades of Reality

Do you know I never see children hanging on the woman in a Gil Elvgren picture?  Nor does she ever look anything but sexy!  She never has a cold, she's never wearing sweats, she's never having a fat day!  She appeals to me because she is sexy all the time... and that would be because she's not real.  Oh, she's based on reality but she is not a part of reality...

Reality...this is one of the areas where 50 Shades of Grey left me cold.  There was nothing realistic about their relationship.  He was a bazillionare, she was naturally thin, young and gorgeous, she loved her in-laws and they loved her, she never had another lover ... you know - everything is perfect.

I'd like to see the 50 Shades of Aftermath... when she has fat rolls and stretch marks, his company is in trouble so he actually is working 60 plus hours a week, she is chasing the children around, running them to their activities and helping them with homework.  Plus, his business really got in trouble so they're on a budget, she has to cook and clean while he busts his buns, they have a home cooked meal, finally get all of their offspring into bed and then...  How much do you want to bet that the torture chamber room is covered with a fine layer of dust as she does the evening dishes and he falls into an exhausted sleep on the recliner in front of the television?

Not such a fun read anymore!  But reality does have a nasty way of intruding on my otherwise very pleasant, very sexy, very submissive state of mind. 

After blogging some of my fantasies yesterday I was in a great state of mind.  I got dressed in a very hot balcony bra with matching panties under my pants and sweater.  Hair and makeup freshened I awaited his arrival.   Pleasant dinner with the children and one of their friends who stayed for dinner. 

Then the dog pooped on the floor.  Of course she chose to do it in the room with carpeting.  Yep, nothing says sexy like a woman cleaning up doggy doo-doo.  Plus, the aroma that wafted around to mix with the after dinner smells in the air - oh yeah, sexy!  Clean up, open windows, do the dishes, etc.  Then I drive the friend home, put the children to bed, take my bath and... snore.  Yep, he is sleeping away.  So I lay there contemplating sleep.  Click, click, click, click - dogs toenails on the floor.  Maybe she needs to go out again.  No, it's raining out.  Click, click, click, click - FINE!  Get my naked butt out of bed, wrap a towel around me because I left my robe in the laundry room.  Let the dogs out, let them back in after wiping muddy paws (all while naked)... fume my way into the bathroom to turn on the exhaust fan and have a sneaky cigarette because I am just so aggravated.  Brush my teeth again, freshen up again, return to bed - snore...

So I lay there, aggravated, frustrated, sexually needy.  I completely blame Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey for my unrealistic expectations.

Also, even if my husband had time to read my blog yesterday, which I doubt (he rarely reads it -usually only if I ask him to but ... well, I kind of had hopes he would read it and I would get some interesting texts today) #3 is home sick so even that hope is kabashed.  I have received two texts this morning (and was kind of excited each time even though it couldn't really happen) but neither were from him.

The silver lining in my inability to sleep last night was that I did come up with a pretty good plot for a story... and I plan on pouring myself into it today.  Because writing a fictional story today is better than last night's reality. 

But when everything comes together?  When my husband isn't tired and we actually get privacy? My reality is better than any fantasy - I just need to be patient until all the stars align again!

I am very excited to have been nominated for a Very Inspiring Blogger award by Mrs. D. from A New Chapter.   I feel so lucky and very grateful to Mrs. D. for nominating me.  I don't know that my blogs are inspirational, but I do know that having my blog has helped me to find my voice... and writing down my journey so far has helped me work my way through a lot of emotions I would have kept inside before...  

I do know that other people's blogs have been inspirational to me - the information, support and stories have helped me realize that there are a lot of "us" out there.  Other people who like some pain with their pleasure, other people who want or need discipline in their relationships... and that has helped me immensely.  I will say that in listing some of my favorite bloggers for nomination, I may be missing a few of you and for that I apologize.  It takes courage to have and maintain a blog where you open your lives and your hearts to others and I commend you all.  You have been welcoming and supportive and your stories have inspired me, soothed me and made me feel not so alone...

My nominees are below.  For those of you who choose to participate here are the rules.

1. Display the award logo on your blog.
2. Link back to the person nominating you
3. State seven things about yourself.
4. Nominate fifteen other bloggers for this award and link back to them.
5. Notify these other bloggers and give them the award requirements.

Seven things about myself...

1. I have two dogs and a cat
2. I am allergic to all three of them and so wake up each morning with the most bloodshot eyes you can imagine - but I wouldn't want to wake up without my pets so...
3. When we retire I want to buy an RV and travel all over the USA - and park in our children's' driveways when we come to visit them and embarrass them ala "Christmas Vacation"
4. I never told my husband about my spanking fantasies until recently
5. Only one person in my "real" life knows about my blog
6. I have awesome intentions with poor follow through (which is why I like DD)
7. I've always wanted to see Venice   

And the nominees are:

1. Mr. BB Spanker @http://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.com
2. Kitty-The Submissive Wife @http://thesubmissivewife.blogspot.com
3. Mrs. D.  - A New Chapter @http://mmd6448.blogspot.com
4. Lady Laid Bare@http://barenakedlady.wordpress.com
5. Life Under a Firm Hand@http://lifeunderafirmhand.blogspot.com
6. Red Booty Woman @http://redbootywoman.blogspot.com
7. Fiona @ http://sirqandme.blogspot.com
8. Julia @ http://mypersonalthinkingspot.blogspot.com 
9. KayLynn@http://externallymotivatedwife.wordpress.com
10. Aisha@http://beingaisha.wordpress.com
11. Sin@http://findingmysubmission.blogspot.com
12. PK@http://elisnewbeginnings.blogspot.com
13. Tori@http://painspleasure.blogspot.com 
14. http://spankingbloggersnetwork.blogspot.com 
15. Taken In Hand  

Okay, I know that I am probably missing some very good blogs, but I am relatively new to blogland and also new to adding blogs to my blog... I don't bookmark sites because my computer gets used by the kids which is frustrating if I read something good and then forget where I saw it.  I am slowly but surely figuring out how to add blogs to my blog roll.  I'm sure I will get better at this as I go on... 

Top 5 Secrets and Fantasies of the Day...

I wish I had an erotic blog for you today... I REALLY wish I did, but husband was tired when he came home yesterday.  I did try a little sassing - he was watching a show on the TV while I cleaned up from dinner and when I walked in to sit by him I mentioned something he didn't really hear so he said, "What?" and I said teasingly, "Oh, just agree with me... after all I'm the boss..." to which I got a look and a "I don't think so," but the poor guy was tired.  In fairness we have all been fighting a bit of a bug so I can understand why he is so tired.  I took my bath and got all ready just in case (hey, you can't win the lottery if you don't get a ticket!) but he was asleep when I came into bed.

I did get a few "commands" this morning and some errands to run for him today... I love when he is commanding!  I guess it would be different if he was bossy, but he is always polite so it gives me a thrill when he gives me orders without saying, "If you have time could you please...", now it's more, "I want you to go and pick up "A" and here is the money to get it," or "I expect "A & B" to be done when I get home..." 

Still, I am eagerly awaiting a swing back into DD, TTWD, BDSM, D/s - whatever label you want to put on it.  I saw these on amazon.com (if you click on the panties you will go to their site)-  I wonder if wearing these would be considered bratting?



Anyway, each night as I lay in bed over the weekend, last night and this morning I thought of a ton of things I would like my husband to do to me... so I am going to give you my top ten five (I ran out of time) secret fantasies of today.  Not all of my fantasies are like this, depends on my mood.  Today I'm feeling like a bit of brutal, dominating, rough, dirty sex (which may not be to your taste so be forewarned before you continue reading).

1. He texts me and gives me orders.  He tells me to get ready (washed, shaved, make up and hair but no clothes).  I text back that I am ready.  He tells me what to wear (but since this is my fantasy he chose the fishnet open cup body suit with stiletto heels and a black collar (I don't even own a collar - but that is the nice thing about fantasy...).  I text him back that I am dressed as he requested.  He texts me back and gives me instructions... things like I am to put on the nipple clamps that are in the drawer.  I follow his instructions and then he texts me chores to do while they are on - something like washing the kitchen floor where my arms are in motion so I can really feel the clamps as my breasts sway.   When I complete the chore I text back that I am done.  He then calls me, he must be somewhere where no one will hear him because he has me take the clamps off and play with my nipples while he talks dirty to me.  I am so aroused but he tells me that I am not allowed to touch myself down there.  He abruptly hangs up the phone and I am at a loss, but then another text comes in with instructions.  This time, he tells me to go and get a butt plug (again, I don't even own one - but work with me here!) and insert it.  I text back once it is in and he commands me to go and work on my writing.  Of course, I cannot concentrate, I have to sit to write and I am aware of the plug and my nipples are still sensitive, I can feel how wet I am as I sit on the leather desk chair - all in all I am completely distracted and thinking only of him.  My phone beeps and there is another text asking  how many words I have written.  I answer honestly, not many because I am too distracted.  He sends me a text to go into the bedroom and await my punishment for disobeying.  I go and lay over the bed, but it is so hard to just lay there - he's at work he'll never know - and so my hands slip between my legs, just to get some relief.  I am just ready to orgasm when I hear his voice behind me...                              
2. I'm home and the children are at school.  I probably should be getting some work done, but I am so tired that after I start the wash I decide to snuggle up in bed for awhile and have a quick nap.  After awhile I drift off, only to awaken to him dragging me into position.  I am disoriented as he has me put my feet on the floor with my stomach and chest laying on the bed.  He pulls down my pants and begins to spank me with his hand, letting me know about the times that I have not been obedient, when I have not given our home my best effort.  He stops and rubs my stinging cheeks while he tells me that I have had this coming for a long time.  He then grabs (from an array of implements he has laid out on the dresser) a wooden spoon and with each stroke reminds me that I am the one who wanted this.  He stops and rubs my cheeks again before removing my underwear.  He uses his hand and spanks me more, making sure that he hasn't missed a spot.  Then he slips his fingers along my slit, feeling how wet I am.  "This is a punishment, not for your pleasure," he growls and he grabs a wooden hairbrush and begins to spank in earnest.  I try to get away, I beg him to stop, but he holds me in place until I receive the full measure of his punishment.  Then he grabs my hair and pulls me to my knees, unbuckling his belt and slipping it through the belt loops with a scary hissing noise.  He unbuttons his pants and thrusts his cock into my mouth.  He holds me tightly, controlling my movements and fucking my mouth.  I am moaning around his cock, my hips moving in their own rhythm, my ass on fire... he uses his belt and applies stinging strokes as he emphasizes again, "This is a punishment, not for your pleasure."  He comes deep into my throat, holding my head tightly and making me swallow every drop.  I am whimpering and he holds me for a moment before reminding me, "Bad girls don't get to come... this is part of your punishment, but if you are a good girl I will make you come tonight."  He leaves me and returns to work as I refocus my energy on obedience, on pride in our home and making sure that when he returns home he will think I am a "Good Girl" again...                                                                                                                  
3. We have the house to ourselves and everyone is gone safely somewhere else... not clear on where they all are, just clear on the fact that we have tons of time and privacy.  I have on a french maid outfit, garter stockings and a pair of heels.  He is watching TV and relaxing while he commands me to do various chores around the house.  He comes and inspects my work as I go along.  If it is good, he fondles me and kisses me telling me to keep up the good work.  But in the kitchen I missed wiping down the front of the counters.  He calls me in and points it out.  I kneel to wipe down the fronts which puts me in a position where his cock is right there.  I stop what I am doing to massage the front of his pants.  "Did I tell you to touch me?", he asks sternly.  "No," I say pouting.  "No what?", he asks. "No Sir," I say smartly.  "Get back to work," he commands.  I begin wiping down the fronts quickly, not really paying attention because he is standing right there and I want his cock inside me.  Again, I miss spots.  "Get down there and do it right! You didn't even wipe the bottom properly!", he says.  The spot he wants me to clean is almost under the counters and so my ass is in the air, my skirt is too short to cover me and this position exposes everything to his gaze.  I am embarrassed so I reach back to pull my skirt down further.  He responds by pulling my skirt up and folding it back so that he can see even more.  I hear the drawer above me open and he pulls out a rubber spatula.  "What are you going to do with that?" I ask, thinking I already know the answer.  "Stand up," he commands.  He sends me into the bedroom for the nipple clamps.  When I return he pulls the elastic top of my dress down so that my bra and breasts are outside of my dress.  He arranges each breast so that it is out of the bra cup, nicely displayed and propped up by the bra underneath.  He bends down and sucks each nipple into his mouth, sucking hard and drawing them out.  He stand upright and he is so close, his mouth so close to mine I lean towards him wanting to feel his lips on mine.  He smirks and then swoops down to capture each nipple in turn again.  I am rocking towards him, yearning when he comes upright again, but this time he takes the nipple clamps and places each one at the base of my erect nipples.  It is electric and almost too painful.  Now he kisses me and it feels so good I start to melt into him but he pulls his head back and gently flicks my nipples with the rubber spatula.  "Back to work", he says...  (obviously this fantasy can go on and on - an endless day of erotic torments - I usually think of this one when I am cleaning... go figure...also I don't think the rubber spatula would really hurt - but I'm not sure...)                                                                      
4. This one is actually a favorite... I often think of this one before I go to sleep, on the nights when he falls asleep before I come to bed... In this one I am wearing a sheer white shirt and white thigh highs with satin bows (I love accessorizing my fantasy!) and he has me kneel in the middle of the bed.  He ties me up, with my legs spread as wide as I can, so that all of my pussy is exposed for his pleasure.  He has an array of toys including a massager that he uses on me - each feeling better than the next.  However, I am not allowed to come without his permission or I will be punished... and of course he makes me come... so of course I will be punished...                                                                 
5. I have a natural curiosity about a few things too... so of course I fantasize about them.  The one is bondage, especially the "trussing" of breasts.  I've seen pictures but never tried it so... and also anal.  We've never done it and I am very curious but afraid to try it ... but I do fantasize about it quite a bit...

*In looking for a pic of breasts with ropes... I have to say I didn't like a lot of what I was seeing... I guess I am still pretty Vanilla, because a lot of those pics were way too hard core for what I had in mind.

Sorry that 4 and 5 were kind of rushed - I am out of writing time for today.  If we ever actually do either of these, I promise I will write in more detail...       

Reality Versus Perception

I use Gil Elvgren pin up girls in my posts.  I love his work because he seems to capture how women feel, versus how they look - it's like he looks inside and grabs the sexy goddess that secretly lives in all women.  He seems to be able to paint the way I'm feeling when I know I have sexy underwear on under my casual clothes.  He sees inside these average women - he knows that there is a pin up girl waiting to come out.  Not that these women aren't beautiful to begin with, but he manages to find the sexy goddess within (plus I think he would completely agree with my views on spanking - he manages to flash a bit of cheek in almost every pic!).  Since we started DD I've felt that I am this sexy woman with so much to offer.  I think that it shows through at times and other times... I wonder if it's all in my head.  My husband is fond of saying that reality is perception.  One person's perception of reality is different from another - which is great, it means that I can have this perception of being a sex goddess... until my perception changes.

The reality is I am a size 16 or XL.  Funny though, when my husband is "taking charge" I feel feminine and almost dainty, and very, very beautiful.  I'm not worried that I am "too big" and my constant critic is quieted - almost as if someone has a hand over her mouth.  I am not worrying, criticizing, what iffing... I am doing whatever it is he wants.  When he wants me... that makes me feel amazing, sexy, beautiful, hot...

When I get ready for the day, I am getting ready for him.  The critical voice (the one who accuses me of being too lazy, too overweight, too unorganized, not glamorous, not "together") is silenced by my anticipation of his reaction to whatever it is I am wearing.  In almost everything I do, I am anticipating his reaction.  So when I get dressed, carefully do my hair and makeup, carefully select the clothing that I am wearing under my outfit - I am anticipating and sometimes fantasizing.
For example, he was meeting me somewhere on Friday.  With every article of clothing I put on, I was eagerly getting ready for him.  Even though my outer clothes were casual, my inner clothes were satin and lace.  I put on perfume for his enjoyment.  I put on lip gloss thinking of his lips on mine.  So you can imagine my anticipation upon seeing him coming into the building... and you can imagine my reaction when he walked right past me into the mens' room without even a hello.  My further reaction when he didn't even greet me, but greeted others around me and casually asked if I was ready to take our seats.  Finally I blurted out, "You didn't even kiss me hello," to which he responds by brushing my lips and saying hello.

Now we were surrounded by other people and I understand he wasn't going to pull me into a passionate embrace in a public setting... but I guess I had a bit of a fantasy built up.  I have this little, harmless fantasy that he will come up behind me at one of these events and place his hands over my eyes or lifting my hair away he will brush a kiss across the side of my neck... nothing vulgar... just a bit of heat.  Like the song says, I want him to want me... and I guess I am a bit spoiled because I want him to want me all the time...

Anyway, this was also my time of the month - which in his mind means a complete curtailing of all activities... which took me from feeling like this (left pic) to feeling like this (right pic).  Not that both women aren't sexy, deserving goddesses... it's just that my inner critic got going full force again... and she has absolutely no tolerance for even the smallest molecule of fat, not to mention the sagging breasts from nursing three children, the stretch marks, the wrinkles, and dry skin, discolorations... well you get my point - she's a bitch and a perfectionist.  She magnifies everything bad and minimizes everything good.  She started carping on Thursday and she hasn't shut up since.  So my perception has changed.

I've noticed that when we're in full blown DD mode she shuts up... but if he slacks off even a little bit, then she starts up.  I go from energetic and feeling wonderful to constantly putting myself down and feeling almost depressed.  She's had rule over my head for much longer than we've been trying DD, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how quickly she takes over.  Before DD I didn't even realize how absolutely horrid I was to myself.  Then I would realize it and "treat" myself to something nice, something that made me feel better.  Which would raise havoc with our budget and cause me to feel horrible and the whole cycle would begin again.  Since we've begun DD she's been gagged pretty effectively until right before the weekend - but somehow she got loose...

She's been gaining strength and as icing on the critical voice's cake, I had an old "treat" come back and bite me in the ass unexpectedly.  Way before DD, before I even read about DD, I had ordered something from a local vendor.  Now we use this store exclusively for our family, but we usually are only there once a year or every other year.  Last spring, I was in there for something else and saw something I really wanted for myself.  Of course the salespeople are there to sell, they aren't going to say "Have you lost your mind?" when you order something.

Long story short, when I ordered it there was a wait before it would arrive.  At the time I had planned on paying for it when it arrived - no big deal - I was "treating" myself and I was working then, so I planned to pay for it with "my money."  They called once when it had arrived, it was a busy week.... I told them I would be in the next week... and then I kind of forgot about it.  Obviously it wasn't that important to me or I would have remembered it.  They never called again and so it completely faded away... until I had to get something from them this weekend.  Then it was right in my face - and as it was special ordered it had to be paid for unless we were never going to use this vendor again (which would never happen - they are wonderful).  So, as I hung up the phone I had to figure out how to tell my husband that I had caused us to unexpectedly go way over budget on something so frivolous that I didn't even remember I had ordered it.  This was not good... this was very, very bad.  In fairness, I would never order it now - I can't believe how much I have changed since we started DD - I am appalled that I ever thought that this was a good idea!  But it still needed to be addressed.  Before telling him, I called them back to see if I could do a payment plan, which they agreed to.  Then I made sure that I could pick up some work from an old job.  Then I sat down and confessed the entire thing to my husband, offered the payment plan/work suggestion and waited for the explosion.

The thing was, there was no explosion.  He just looked very disappointed and talked to me.  He just quietly explained how my thoughtless action cost him his peace of mind, dug into the financial buffer he has established so that he can take care of me and our family without living pay check to pay check.  He emphasized (with justice - it is all true) how he never spends that kind of money on himself.  He explained that the whole reason I can be home is because we came up with a budget and that the budget does not allow for this kind of selfish, careless spending.  Then he gave me his credit card (the one he worked so hard to pay off) and told me to go and pick up my item, along with the other thing we needed.

So I have a very beautiful item, one that once would have pleased me (at least for a little while) and I would have preened and been very proud of it.  Instead, it is my scarlet letter of shame.  Not because he said so, (he said it looks very nice), but because I know what it cost - and it's not worth it.  It's not worth costing him his peace of mind.  It's not worth the disappointment I saw in his eyes.  It's not worth the loss of faith and trust.  Yet, because of it's cost I have to wear it at every opportunity - that is his ruling (that I need to wear it at every opportunity for at least the next five years to get the value out of it) and I see his point.  Since I bought it I should use it.  But I will never wear it without remembering that it is not worth it.

Needless to say, my inner critic is having a hay day with this fiasco!  She brings it up constantly and has gleefully added it to her barrage of critical nasty comments.  Since it was that time of the month there has been no closure.  My inner critic has had free rein since Thursday, got the extra steam from my mistake and has been going full force since Saturday.  I cannot get her to shut up and she is making me droop.  You would think she would energize me to change, but no... she sucks all motivation out of me with her constant harping...

So I am hoping that (since I am "open for business" again) tonight he may be able to give me a new perspective and shut her up for awhile.  I cannot believe how much better my self esteem has been since we started this.  I'm almost never worried, never critical and self doubting in the moments when I am being "Taken in Hand" - I am too busy surrendering to worry about that.  Plus, when he is in charge I know that he is doing exactly as he pleases - so obviously doing me is exactly what he wants - which makes me feel deliciously feminine and sexy.   Even when we aren't having sex, I am thinking about him, wanting him and doing everything I can to please him.  I guess I can admit here (since I can spill my guts to you) I am rather hoping for/dreading some discipline for both the item I purchased and also for all of the negative self talk.  Because my inner critic needs it and I deserve some sort of punishment for that outrageous purchase.  I guarantee she will be silenced by a good spanking!

Which caused me to research a bit yesterday.  Why is being submissive so good for your self esteem?  You would think it would have the opposite effect, you would think that by being submissive you are somehow lowering yourself.  But I love being submissive, I love who I am when I am a "good girl" and even when I am being disciplined, I revel in his complete authority over me.  By allowing him more control and giving up some of my own, I gave up a lot of self doubts and worries along with my control.  I did find some blogs that said the same thing - insecurities, inhibitions and body image issues - they seem to disappear when you surrender yourself to your partner.  I don't know why that is... but giving up control has helped me immensely with this.  I think it is just that my inner critic has been a part of me since I was a teen... it may take a little longer to shut her up for good!

In the movie "Shallow Hal," Hal begins to see beauty on the inside.  His perspective creates his reality.  At one point his friend Maurico tries to "save" him by making him see his girlfriend as everyone else sees her:

Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?
Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!

So if my reality is based on my perception... I guess I want my perception adjusted back to where it was!

The Deep End...

I've been thinking about how to blog this since Sunday, and I still don't know if I will be able to fully express everything that happened from Sunday-Tuesday, but I am going to give it my best shot.

Sunday morning's post was in regards to having to wait for him to make his move.  Sometimes it's frustrating, I feel like a gift that is all wrapped up, patiently, painstakingly, making sure every part of the package is as beautiful and inviting as I can make it... so when he doesn't approach me for sex... it can feel like he is rejecting the gift.  Now I know, rationally, that we are not going to have sex every day.  I understand that life gets in the way and we're only human, we get tired, sick, worn down.  But emotionally, I want to feel close to him.  He isn't a verbal person, he doesn't talk about feelings, he shows me with actions; therefore, I want sex even more so that I can feel connected and close to him.  We didn't have sex on Friday or Saturday, I was feeling a bit frustrated by Sunday.

Sunday night we had to be at an event.  Our weekends are very busy, so I was meeting him there.  As I got ready to go, I got a bit evil.  Now I know he is a sucker for garter belts and stockings - he just is, it's hard wired.  I just happened to have an all in one, long sleeve fishnet dress with attached garter belt and stockings that I had picked up and hadn't worn yet.  So I finished my hair and make up and slithered into it.  Looking in the mirror, I wasn't completely satisfied - my body isn't exactly centerfold material and there was no support for my boobs.  But I knew he would like it, if only for the exoticism plus the garter belt and stockings.   I was tempted to just wear my trench coat over it but my inner voice was saying things like, "What if there was an accident and that was all you had on?", so I put on a black, ankle length skirt (with a slit up the side) and a  black sweater over the top of it.  Of course, I still wore my trench coat - I didn't have a bra on after all!  So really all you could see was a flash of fishnet stockings when the slit moved.  

When I got there he asked what took me so long as his eyes looked me over.  I actually saw his pupils dilate when he saw the glimpse of fishnet - what a powerful, feminine feeling!  The entire time we were there he kept looking at my ankles and trying to get a glimpse of the bit of calf that showed through the slit before my trench coat covered it.  I had truly forgotten what it felt like to have that attention from him outside of the bedroom - I was giddy to say the least.  When the evening was over, I left quickly before him and drove home.  As soon as I got home I quickly ran in the bedroom, ditched the long skirt and sweater and put on a jersey wrap dress.  I was still decently covered, but the dress showed more of my legs.  I carried on like nothing was up, clearing dishes and tidying up before bed.  I said goodnight to him and our children who were still up (they were all on the couch watching TV) and taking a book with me went and laid on the bed.  I let him handle getting everyone off to bed.  Once I heard him locking up for the night, I ran in the bathroom, freshened up and was patiently waiting on the bed when he came in.  

As soon as he came in the room, he clicked off the lights.  "Hey, I'm reading here," I said.  "Not anymore," he growled and lay on the bed next to me.  He gathered me into his arms, one arm under my neck and ran his hand up my leg, feeling the stockings.  His arm under my neck was rigid, I could feel how muscular he is and his hard hand possessively sweeping up my leg - it was incredibly erotic.  He just shoved my covering dress up out of his way as his hand continued to roughly caress all the way up to my neck, feeling as he did the fishnet dress covering me.  He slid his hands down and around my back, down to my ass, feeling the way the dress stopped and the garters began.  He kind of growled, deep in his throat, and then my non-verbal husband became... umm... very verbal and demanding.

"Are you mine?", he asked.  "Yes, I love you," I whispered.  But that wasn't enough as he swooped his head down, capturing a nipple and sucking it through the fishnet and into his mouth.  "Are you mine?", he growled around my nipple clamped between his teeth, but I could only mewl a response as the feel of his lips and teeth and the fishnet all blended together and my nipples got so hard they almost hurt.

He quickly shoved two fingers into me and said, "Is this my pussy?".  I whimpered as his fingers plunged in again and as that wasn't an answer he added another finger and stretched me tightly.  "Is this my pussy?", he asked again.  "Yes," I moaned.  "And is this my ass?", he asked as he slowly slid a finger in.  "Yes, yes," I gasped as I felt him stretching me there.  He began to move his fingers together, sliding them in and out of both my slit and my ass until I was panting for release.  Quickly he withdrew his fingers and slapped my pussy several times before plunging back in and moving his fingers against my g-spot as he again slid a finger into my ass.  "Is this my pussy?, he demanded as he slipped his fingers out and rubbed them rapidly, harshly against my clitoris.  And then it happened... and it happened over and over (we'll discuss this more later).  But I had multiple, multiple orgasms while he was doing that.  He continued to finger me, there was oral, there was a lot of fun stuff and more orgasms before he pulled me onto my knees and with his fists in my hair thrust his cock over and over into my mouth.  He pulled me on top of him and made me ride through two more orgasms (with a few spanks on the ass to keep me moving but not spanking per say).  We finished with him behind me, me almost upright on my knees holding on to the bedpost for dear life as he held my head up with my hair fisted in his hands.  It was, hands down, the most amazing sex of my life.

But afterwards, when he got up to use the bathroom; as I lay there and tried to remember to breathe, eventually I had to move over to my side of the bed.  I concentrated very hard and made a tremendous effort to get my body (I was completely limp, boneless and sated) to move over to my side of the bed, which was where the first few orgasms happened, before he had me climb on top of him.  There was the wet spot - which wasn't a wet spot at all - it was a lake.  I didn't know what to think - this had never happened before.  I was standing on shaky  legs, stripping off the sheets when he came back in.  "What are you doing?", he asked with a bit of a smirk.  "The sheets are wet," I mumbled as I quickly bundled them and the mattress protector (Thank God I had one on the bed!) into a ball.  "Well, there have been wet spots before," he said - again with a bit of a smirk.  "This is too wet," I whispered as I pulled a blanket over the mattress in lieu of sheets.  I went into the bathroom to wash up - What happened?  Did I come so hard I peed?  I went back into bed on still shaky legs and we snuggled in and went to sleep, but I was so mortified.  Did he notice?  Did I pee?  Oh, My God, what it he thinking?

When we woke up the next morning, the house was quiet and everyone was still asleep.  I actually woke up first and snuggled up to him.  He pulled me close and as I lay with my head on his chest I began to stroke my way down only to discover part of him wide awake and ready for the day.  Slow sweet morning sex - yum!  But I was still embarrassed about the night before, and I was unusually quiet as we went about our mornings.  I couldn't look at him without blushing and he couldn't (or wouldn't) stop smirking at me.

As soon as he left for one of his errands I ran to put the sheets in the wash.  Looking at the sheets the wet stuff was whitish, not yellow thank God, and smelling it (of course I smelled it - I had to - what the hell was this?) it didn't smell like pee, kind of, but not really (and with three kids I have changed pee sheets before - this didn't look or smell like that) but then what the hell was it?

Once I had the wash started I ran to Google.  Can I just say that the value of Google is underrated - how would I have ever know what had happened without it?  This was not taught in sex ed.  But apparently (and for those of you who already knew this - "THBPBPTHPT!" [that's me, sticking out my tongue and blowing a raspberry] - I never even heard of it.  I've actually spent days thinking about this and I can only remember once, in college hearing of it.  And then, the girl who told me about it thought she had peed - so there!) it is actually called female ejaculation, more commonly known as squirting.

You can look it up yourself if you don't believe me, but according to Wikipedia "Female ejaculation is the expulsion of fluid by human females from the paraurethral ducts through and around the urethra during or before an orgasm. It is also known colloquially as gushing or squirting,^[1] although these are considered to be different phenomena in some research publications.^[2] The exact source and nature of the fluid continue to be a topic of debate among medical professionals, which is also related to doubts over the existence of the G-Spot." 

Basically, we women all have the ability to do this but it doesn't always happen.  This is a great article too: http://www.mamiverse.com/female-ejaculation-guide-17276/

So, of course I needed to know more.  I discovered that according to the Chinese Tao, there are nine levels of orgasm.  Yes, I believe my husband took me through all nine levels Sunday night.  That is a bit scary because the 9th level is total surrender.  Which has thrown me for an emotional loop.

(Source: http://www.compassionatedragon.com/taoist_sex_orgasm.html)
(Source: http://schooloftantra.net/articles/Tantra/9OrgasmLevels.htm)

A woman riding the orgasmic wave resembles a lotus flower blossoming. As the woman orgasms, the flower gently unfolds until she experiences all nine levels of orgasm, which is considered a complete orgasm. When she is in full bloom, this totally open flower is exquisite, yet vulnerable. She now surrenders to you, her devotee, the man (or woman), who has served her so well.

There is more after four:  Many mistake the level four vaginal orgasm as the complete orgasm, but you’re only half way there to a complete orgasm (which is all nine levels). Before tantra, it was believed women had the same type of single peak orgasm as men; peak then drop. How little we knew. Until now. Keep going.

Each orgasm level energizes specific body parts and evokes observable response in the woman:

Level	Energized Organs	Observable Response
One	Lungs	The woman sighs, breathes heavy, salivates
Two	Heart	Woman extends tongue to her lover while kissing
Three	Spleen, Pancreas, Stomach	Woman grasps and holds man tightly with activated muscles
Four	Kidneys, Bladder	Vaginal spasms and secretions flow
Five	Bones	Joints loosen and she may feel the urge to bite her lover
Six	Liver, Nerves	Woman undulates and gyrates like a snake, wrapping limbs around her lover
Seven	Blood	Blood boiling, she frantically touches her lover everywhere
Eight	Muscles	Muscles relax.  Urge to bite intensifies as she grabs her lover's nipples
Nine	Entire Body Energized	Woman collapses in "mini death", surrenders to her lover and is completely open

So, even now that I know all of this, when we had sex on Monday night, I found myself holding back a bit.  I still had my orgasms, but I wouldn't let myself completely let go like I did on Sunday.  And I found myself doing the same thing on Tuesday night (I got my maintenance spanking on Tuesday night too, and it was a good one) and I didn't let go completely even though I was in a very submissive state of mind.  I think on Tuesday night it was more the fear of ruining the sheets again than a fear of surrendering, but either way, I was still holding back.  Maybe because he wasn't as verbally forceful and commanding as he was on Sunday.  Sunday night I submitted completely. Mentally and physically - I was his.  

Which means there are no more guards, no more barriers.  I didn't realize it, but I think I've always had a bit of a barrier, always had my guard up.  I mean, when I met my husband I had a past.  I had previous lovers.  I had been hurt.  So maybe I was afraid to be hurt again, maybe I never really let go.  When things were bad between us, even when the sex was good there was a guard, a barrier - I was never completely open to him.  We've been married for 15 years, three children, love, laughter, good times, loss of loved ones, we've been close - we've been estranged, but in all of those years I have never been this open.

So as I am working through this emotionally I came across a picture that described it perfectly - and of course now I cannot remember who's blog I saw it on.  But it was a beautiful black and white picture of a woman just leaving her swing on the trapeze and reaching out, body arched, trusting that her partner will catch her safely.  She hasn't quite left her swing yet, but you know the momentum is going to carry her into space any moment - and you know that he will be there to catch her as she free falls...  I believe that we are right in that moment now - and I have to trust that the water isn't too deep - I have to trust he will catch me if I let go...

Behind The Scenes... An Interview With My Husband

I know, I know, I should have been blogging.  Really, it's shameful that I missed so many days in a row (I should be spanked!) but we had a crazy busy long weekend and today is my first day back in the saddle.  I actually have a lot to write about from this weekend, but some of it was so intense that I am still working my way through how to write it, and whether or not to "bare all".  I promised myself when I started this blog that I would be honest, so I will try my best to put all of my emotions down in writing - but it will be a process as I have many episodes of this weekend to share with you.  Today though, I am sharing my interview with my husband.  I thought it would be nice for my readers to get to know him a little better and he was actually a lot of fun to interview.  We set it up in the living room once the children were all at school and I tried my best to be professional (although he did make me giggle and blush a few times) and interview him as though I was a reporter and not his wife...



When did you first hear about Domestic Discipline?  "When my wife printed out information and brought it to me."  You had never heard of it before?  "No."

What was your initial reaction when your wife brought you the information?  "I thought it sounded kinky, but I was all for it - I mean why not?  I thought it would spice up the bedroom.  Personally, I have no interest in being spanked or disciplined."

Did you think she was weird for bringing this to you?  "No, but I figured it was more sexual than serious.  I thought she must be sexually attracted to the idea - why else would a grown woman want to be spanked?  I don't need to be spanked to be efficient so why would she?  Now I think it is effective - I like it!"

So you never heard of this before, nothing about spanking or about BDSM?  "Well, yeah I heard of the whole "spanking the school girl" role play, tying someone up - I never got the pain concept though.  That was a bit too kinky for me.  Like, you know, there were guys talking, looking at magazines when I was younger - and in the magazine there were pictures of women with clothespins on their nipples - and I was like who would want clothespins on their nipples?  (Reporter blushes and clears her throat thinking of the nipple clamps that now have a place of pride in her "tools" drawer).  I thought it was weird.  Why would I want to hurt someone?"

So what do you think now that you've embraced Domestic Discipline and added a bit of BDSM to your marriage?  "I like it!  I like being in control, probably helps that I'm a bit of a control freak (so I've been told)," he adds with a smirk.  "Actually, now that I know it's so effective ... if I could get everyone (referring to his job and employees) to do what needs to be done by spanking them, I would spank them all!" he jokes.

Now that you've embraced Domestic Discipline, what is the hardest part of being the HoH (Head of Household)?  "I've always been the Head of Household, you (oops, I mean my wife), just didn't realize it.  But the hardest part is always financial, trying to make sure that everyone is taken care of financially.  Inflicting pain is hard too, I had a hard time wrapping my head around that.  I had a hard time honestly seeing why my wife would want to be spanked.  I was spanked as a child - it hurt - period.  I wouldn't want that again - why would you?  I love my wife, I don't want to hurt her.  Now I see that it really does work, it fulfills her needs and keeps her on track.  So now, I am all about the spanking - but only because I am all about my wife and keeping her fulfilled".

What is the best part of Domestic Discipline?  "The sex!  How responsive my wife gets." (Okay, he actually said how deliciously wet you get - but that is a story for another blog and also made this reporter blush and hide her face).

 How do you feel about enforcing discipline?  What do you find hard about it?  "Initially it seemed like another chore or duty, but now...If the end result is a clean house, a sexually responsive wife?  I am all for it.  It is still hard for me to inflict pain on my wife and I worry that I might hit her too hard or leave a mark."

How do you think Domestic Discipline has affected your marriage?  "Our sex life got better!  Hands down - our sex life is the best part!  The housework and errands, the running of our household is much better - stuff is getting done! - and we don't fight anymore.  I actually like being in control."

Is there anything about Domestic Discipline that you don't like?  "No...(He pauses and really thinks about this question)... No, there is nothing I don't like.  Our marriage is much better now."  Would you want to go back to Pre-Domestic Discipline?  "No!  No way! This is much better - I like it!"

What are your plans as you move forward as Head of Household?  "More "Instruments of Destruction!"...  More spankings... Ping Pong Paddles!...  Anal sex... more toys... more "tools of the trade"... an earlier bedtime for the children - can we do that?"  he leans forward and asks eagerly.  (Reporter now giggling and blushing tells him to be serious).  "I am serious," he laughs, "but probably to be more verbal and commanding."  What about your plans for the household?  "That hasn't changed," he said, "I have the same plans I've always had, my wife just hears me now - we're actually working together now.  It is much easier to stay on track now though, now that just one of us is behind the wheel.  We used to fight over who was driving, so we weren't getting anywhere.  Now I am seeing more of my plans come into fruition - I can actually see us moving forward together.  So no new plans, just implementing the ones I already had."

How has Domestic Discipline affected your sex life?  "In a positive way - it's hotter, it's wetter, yummy and delicious, (again, this reporter had to hide her blushing face - he is eluding to something that I have yet to blog about...)  there's more frequency.  Now I know I don't need Viagra." Did you think you did?  "No, not really, but I thought my sex drive was in trouble - now I know it wasn't the problem.  We actually make and find the time for our sex life now, it's a priority.  It helps that my wife is all dressed up for me, much sexier than sweats.  The sex is much more innovative now, it's not routine."

Do you have any concerns about the Domestic Discipline lifestyle? "Well, I think the same as any parent, you don't want the kids to know what you are doing behind closed doors- and sometimes my wife can be a little loud, or the slapping noise... I wouldn't want the children to hear that and be all "what's going on in there?"  I wouldn't want people to find out in general... people could see this in a negative light and label you as a "pervert" or a "freak."  People love to judge.  I don't want my private life to be made public, but I was like that even before Domestic Discipline.  What goes on in your bedroom should be private, and I was never one to kiss and tell..."

Having said that, why then are you supportive of your wife having her blog?  "Well, I am supportive of my wife writing, and if this gets her back into writing... I think writing is a skill that needs to be used or you forget how to do it.  So I am very supportive of her writing and her blog, I just want to make sure that she writes under a nom de plume or anonymously.  Again, people judge and our private life should be kept private."  Does it bother you that she writes about intimate details of your relationship?  "No, not so long as she isn't saying names and stuff - I wouldn't want someone to come up to me and be like, oh yeah, I heard you spanked your wife and gave her multiple orgasms last night... that would be embarrassing... and again, there are always people who would be judging your choices.  But to share her experiences in an anonymous way, for her to enjoy writing again and maybe even help someone else by sharing what is working for us?  I am okay with that..."

What do you think of BDSM and Domestic Discipline becoming more main stream with the wild popularity of 50 Shades of Grey?  "Well, some of it is capitalism.  I mean, if there is money to be made, someone is going to be making money.  But I also can see where it is a good thing, after-all that is what led my wife to this and I love the way my marriage is now."  Do you think it could become too main stream or effect society negatively?  "I think it depends on who you are with.  I mean for us, this is within the sanctity of marriage, it's not extreme, it's private.  There are always people who take things to the extreme... and there are people who just won't find this enjoyable or arousing - everyone is different.  People should do what works for them - everyone has different needs."

I interviewed you to get your perspective on Domestic Discipline.  From your perspective, what advice would you have for other men, if their wives came to them and asked them to try Domestic Discipline?  "Go for it!  Try it!  If she wants this you should be supportive, and what do you have to lose?  You only live once, why not give it a shot?  For us it is working out better than I ever thought it would.  I still don't completely get my wife's need to be disciplined, but it is obviously very motivational and fulfilling for her.  Just because I don't have that need - she does - and I want to be the man who fulfills her needs.  By taking the time and energy to fulfill her needs, I am more than repaid by her reaction to my being assertive, taking charge and taking command.  It may sound like more work initially, but once you embrace it, it is actually less work, less stress, a cleaner and happier home, a happy and fulfilled wife and MORE SEX!  How can that be a bad thing?  If she likes to be spanked, or she likes you to just take charge (you will be able to see from her reaction just how much she does like it) why would you NOT do it?"

Waiting for him to make his move...

I remember reading a post (and I am sorry that I cannot remember who's it was - if you read this let me know so I can credit you!) where they spoke of how Taken In Hand can color your whole world at the beginning, kind of "spanko-vision" where you pick up on other couples signals, or you see implements in ordinary kitchen utensils (I know I saw pastel colored whisks and rubber spatulas laid out on display for Easter baking and thought hmm...).  But for me, the biggest challenge with this is the "always being ready" rule.  

I mean, I've always practiced good hygiene, but I'm talking about the level you take it to for your lover.  The long groom you do when you know that you will be having sex.  I think a lot of women, (or at least this was my experience), we are so busy when the children are small - we're lucky if we can shave one leg before we are interrupted so our toiletries become hurried and hit or miss.  I made sure I was clean and neat, my teeth were brushed and if I was going somewhere I put on makeup (I excused myself from wearing make up at home - I was letting my skin "breathe").  I certainly wasn't putting in the effort I would when I was single or first married and if I did put forth the effort it was because I was going to work or we were going out - not often just for him - to be honest that was a rarity, maybe if we had a night alone and I had time to get all ready.

Before we began bringing Taken In Hand into our relationship we weren't having sex that often, so I guess I began to slide a bit (okay, a lot) as far as the sexual grooming went.  If my undergarments didn't have holes in them, supported me and were comfortable, they were fine (can you say granny panties?).  I chose my clothing for practicality and comfort, not to catch the eye of my husband.  I dressed professionally for work and comfortably for home.  My legs and underarms would be shaved, but other areas were a bit wild to say the least.  Lotion, maybe if I had time.  Perfume, usually if I was going out, or for work, but not at home.

In Gone With The Wind, by Margaret Mitchell, our heroine Scarlett thinks back on all of the flirtatious movements, ways of smiling up at a man, the looks you could send them, all of the tricks she learned to use when she was single that she can no longer do now that she is a widow.  "No, it didn't seem right to learn all these smart tricks and then put them away forever." 

Well, I am starting to remember all of those tricks, and what better person to use all of my feminine wiles on then my husband?  There is just one catch, it's a never ending cycle.  The more I dress for him and groom myself for him, the more feminine I feel and the more I want to "catch" him, the more he evades, the more I want him.  

Which would be great, but we have three children and a busy schedule, so I can't always get what I want.  Which means I am always ready, almost constantly thinking about sex (either the sex we've had already or the sex we might have later) and I can't do anything about it!  So last night I came to bed all ready for some action, but the children weren't tired until later than usual and my husband was feeling a bit under the weather so he went to bed early.  Can I just say I was frustrated right down to my satin underwear?

I feel like the girl in Willy Wonka - "I want it now, I want it all!"  I tossed and turned all night last night and when my husband woke me up at 6:00 AM he didn't do it nicely at all.  Just "Okay, I'm leaving now, time to get up," to which I responded with all of my feminine wiles.  Meaning I stuck my tongue out at him and pulled the sheet over my head and told him he was mean.  "Why am I mean?" he asked and out popped the shrew, the nag, the *itch - complaining that he didn't touch me last night.  Yep, I'm sure that was sexy... me trying to control when and how often, yep... sexy as hell I'm sure.

Of course, if I would have been fully awake I wouldn't have said it.  In fact, when he returned an hour later I was up, dressed, hair done and apologized.  But I am afraid that I am breaking the cardinal rule (or one of them) that I learned when I was young and single: Men like a challenge.  They like to breach the walls, storm the beaches, conquer (rape and pillage - see where my mind goes?).  Where is the challenge in a wife who is constantly ready for and possibly nagging you for sex? 

Has anyone else had this issue?  I need to figure out a way to be constantly ready without being constantly "ready" and I don't know how.  I know that what I did this morning was not submissive, I was trying to dictate but really... I am so needy lately.  I need to figure out a way to tamp this down a bit.  I need to give him the chance to make his move...

Thankful...

The more I am learning about relationships that are Taken In Hand, That Thing We Do, or Domestic Discipline, the more gratitude I feel.  I am so grateful that there is a network of blogs, websites and information available to me.  It's nice to know that I am not the only person out there that has the need for more structure and discipline in my life. 

As I am learning and growing, it's nice to be able to see other people who are going through similar situations, who are living, learning and growing too.  Submissives who are admitting their own needs, who are watching their relationships with their dominant partners blossom and flourish even as they experience ups and downs, mistakes and all of the curves that life can throw at us.  I cannot express enough how grateful I am for the people who choose to share their experience with others. 

Their stories reassure me that there are many of us who love this lifestyle, who find it normal and comfortable even as society pushes us to be something we're not.  While we do not all have the same relationship, or need the same level of discipline, we all have the need to have a strong person in our lives, a person that we can rely on to draw boundaries, to hold us accountable, to make us feel safe.  This safety allows us to lower our defenses, allows us to feel free to be who we are.

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for keeping the blogs going, for sharing your experiences, for sharing your lives.  Your blogs and sites inspire me, reassure me and remind me that I am not the only person who needs discipline to flourish.

Got to love a deal...

I went to my local JCPenney today (you can also shop online at http://www.jcpenney.com) and got the cutest sleepwear and matching bras and underwear and I only spent $50.  If you are looking for a deal, this is a great one!  They had clearance bras, panties and negligees.  For $50 I got two bras, 7 pairs of panties, a chemise, a romper (seen in photo) and a satin robe.  Just thought I would share the good news for us frugal gals!

Back to my warm spot...

By the time my husband came home yesterday I was at my wits end.  I still am having a hard time adjusting to the fact that his withdrawal caused me to have a complete melt down.  He wasn't mean, he didn't yell, he just looked... disappointed, like I had let him down and he stopped talking to me. I spent the whole day moping, and if I could have cried I would have - but I have a hard time letting go.

We got some good news in the mail and I called him at work to let him know.  We spoke briefly (he was very busy so I didn't have a chance to tell him everything I was feeling).  He came home last night and after checking on the fireplace to make sure I had cleaned it, we sat in the dining room and talked.  I have a hard time expressing myself to him and after a few awkward attempts to try and explain how much his withdrawal effected me, I finally just asked him to read my blog.  He hasn't looked at it since my first posts and immediately went to the most recent one.  Now nervous, I waited while he skimmed it, watching him smile at something and then he read a few more posts.  When he finished I asked him, "Well...?"  He said, "Is dinner ready?"

Well, of course that made me kind of mad - after all I was opening up to him and all he had to say was, "Is dinner ready?"  I was ready to splutter on about it, but he said, "It's 6:30, I'm hungry and ready for dinner."  Hmm, something about the way he said it was so... authoritative.  It kind of stopped me and made me realize that he was probably starving at this point.  He walked down the hall, stopped and asked, "Who was wearing these?"  I looked and saw his slippers our daughter had gotten him for Christmas lying there.  I had slipped them on when I got out of bed (the floors were cold and I couldn't find mine) only to take them off and leave them there when I put on my sneakers.  "Actually, I was," I told him.  "Is this where they belong?" he asked me sternly.  "No," I said and went to pick them up and put them away.  He stopped me and hugged me and I wrapped my arms around his neck.  He held me tight against him for a moment and then said, "Okay, back to work."  But, it felt so good to be close to him after the turmoil I had been in all day so I kept my arms around him and didn't let go.  "Smack" he slapped my ass HARD!  "Ouch, no honey - I just want to be held by you for a minute," I explained.  "Smack, Smack, Smack,Smack, Smack, Smack," he slapped my ass HARD (really hard and I had pants on!) six times in quick succession.  "I said back to work," he said again.  Hmm... and we're back!

We had a delicious dinner with wonderful conversation!  I cleared the table and  he took the dogs out.  As the night wound down I went to take my bath and he got the children in bed.  As I prepared for bed, I was a bit worried but more excited because I knew he would be addressing some of this tonight.  But when I got into bed, he said he was using one of the coupons I had given him for Christmas.

Now, I had made him a set of coupons for Christmas that entitled him to various things, but the one he was referring to was for oral gratification.  Of course, that wasn't what I thought was going to happen, so I found myself protesting a bit.  But he was firm, I had promised and he wanted it now.

So I slid down on the bed and began to slowly lick and wrap my mouth around his cock.  He laid with his hands behind his head and said, "You can start anytime now," meaning that he wanted me to take it deep within my mouth and throat.  I bobbed my head up and down, forcing myself to take it deeper and deeper.  After awhile he put his hand on my head, pushing me down further, making me gag and held me there for a long moment before letting me up again.  Again and again he would push my head down and I would use my mouth and throat to take as much as I could; and again he would hold me there until I was gagging, and then let me up and I would continue to stroke his cock with my hands as I whimpered and caught my breath.  Then down I would go again.  I don't know how long this went on for before he began to spank me.  Over and over again, harder and harder while I sucked on his cock.  He began to spank me very hard and I lay with my head in his lap, rubbing my lips up and down the length of his cock because he was spanking me so hard I was afraid to take it inside my mouth.  At one point he ran his fingers up and down my slit and exclaimed, "You like it this hard don't you," and all I could do was raise my ass higher and moan my agreement as he continued to spank me hard.  He stopped and grabbed my hair and forced his cock back in my mouth.  I was happy to oblige, I couldn't get enough and he had to grab my hair and forcibly raise my head as I did not even hear him tell me to stop.  "Get up here," he said and I gladly climbed astride him, feeling his cock slide deep within me, feeling how slick and wet I was as he entered me.  He often likes to start with me on top because it gives him access to so many different places.  He played with my nipples as I rode and I had my first orgasm right away.  Then he spanked me more until I began to ride harder and he grabbed my breasts and began to suck on my nipples hard and I came again.

He must have known (or possibly saw when he read my post) how much I enjoyed when he did this last time, because once again he began to push and pull me, down towards his thighs and back to his hips.  I would really love to give you a full accounting of this, but he was much more forceful this time and I came so many times I couldn't count.  Completely limp and boneless I just let him pull and push me back and forth... at one point I must have been a bit (or maybe very?) loud because the dogs started barking, which at least brought me back to my senses a little.   But it threw me off because I became aware of how I was naked, on top of him with all of my body (which I am self conscious of) on display.  I became aware of his hands gripping my chubby hips and I became awkward and inhibited and tried to lean forward.  He was having none of that, and began to spank me until I went back into the position he wanted and he began to slide me back and forth again. 

Finally he let me down and I turned onto my stomach, with my chest on the bed and my ass propped up high and he entered me from behind.  It felt so good, and I could feel him slapping against my ass over and over, which was sore from the spanking.  He grabbed my hair and pulled my head up and then I could really feel him slamming into me over and over.  Apparently all inhibitions were gone at this point because I heard myself begging him to come all over my ass (and I barely restrained myself from asking him to fuck me in the ass - I don't know where this was coming from, all I know is that my ass had become a major erogenous zone, all hot and sensitive from the spanking).  He pulled out and I felt him shooting it all over my ass, it felt even hotter than my cheeks did and it was amazing.  Afterwards he went and got a wash cloth and cleaned me off, each stoke of the cloth making me whimper as I felt it touch me.  I laid on my side and managed to pull the sheet up and then just laid there trying to remember to breath and feeling the muscles in my thighs shaking.  He asked me if I was okay, hmm yes, just not very coherent.

Instead of going right to sleep he laid there with me and we talked about where we went off track the other day.  He would like me to handle things without having to be a task master, I would like him to hold me to his expectations and we decided that if I do everything right I will still get "good girl" spankings because they obviously do so much for me.  But while he offered me that "carrot" he says that he will get firmer and if I do not do my end, there will be a "stick". 

I do have a serious discipline spanking coming... I don't know when he will do it, he says he will do it when he decides the time is right, but I'm more than happy about the one I got last night. He did mention that it seemed like not spanking me was a punishment, but I explained to him that it did not work that way for me.  It made me feel very lonely and unloved - I would rather have a "real" discipline spanking (which should actually hurt and then I would not want another one) where he really punishes me for when I went off track, so that I can feel forgiven and move forward from here.  I know that he is afraid to hurt me, but I think after last night he is realizing that with a proper warm up, I can actually take it.  I feel like the lines of communication are back up.  I feel like we really reconnected in a big way. 

I apologize if there are any typos and I will probably have to do some corrections later, but I have to take the car for an oil change and take my mother shopping.  I really do not want to add on to the discipline I already have coming so I hope you will forgive me for this hasty post.