Reality Versus Perception

I use Gil Elvgren pin up girls in my posts.  I love his work because he seems to capture how women feel, versus how they look - it's like he looks inside and grabs the sexy goddess that secretly lives in all women.  He seems to be able to paint the way I'm feeling when I know I have sexy underwear on under my casual clothes.  He sees inside these average women - he knows that there is a pin up girl waiting to come out.  Not that these women aren't beautiful to begin with, but he manages to find the sexy goddess within (plus I think he would completely agree with my views on spanking - he manages to flash a bit of cheek in almost every pic!).  Since we started DD I've felt that I am this sexy woman with so much to offer.  I think that it shows through at times and other times... I wonder if it's all in my head.  My husband is fond of saying that reality is perception.  One person's perception of reality is different from another - which is great, it means that I can have this perception of being a sex goddess... until my perception changes.

The reality is I am a size 16 or XL.  Funny though, when my husband is "taking charge" I feel feminine and almost dainty, and very, very beautiful.  I'm not worried that I am "too big" and my constant critic is quieted - almost as if someone has a hand over her mouth.  I am not worrying, criticizing, what iffing... I am doing whatever it is he wants.  When he wants me... that makes me feel amazing, sexy, beautiful, hot...

When I get ready for the day, I am getting ready for him.  The critical voice (the one who accuses me of being too lazy, too overweight, too unorganized, not glamorous, not "together") is silenced by my anticipation of his reaction to whatever it is I am wearing.  In almost everything I do, I am anticipating his reaction.  So when I get dressed, carefully do my hair and makeup, carefully select the clothing that I am wearing under my outfit - I am anticipating and sometimes fantasizing.
For example, he was meeting me somewhere on Friday.  With every article of clothing I put on, I was eagerly getting ready for him.  Even though my outer clothes were casual, my inner clothes were satin and lace.  I put on perfume for his enjoyment.  I put on lip gloss thinking of his lips on mine.  So you can imagine my anticipation upon seeing him coming into the building... and you can imagine my reaction when he walked right past me into the mens' room without even a hello.  My further reaction when he didn't even greet me, but greeted others around me and casually asked if I was ready to take our seats.  Finally I blurted out, "You didn't even kiss me hello," to which he responds by brushing my lips and saying hello.

Now we were surrounded by other people and I understand he wasn't going to pull me into a passionate embrace in a public setting... but I guess I had a bit of a fantasy built up.  I have this little, harmless fantasy that he will come up behind me at one of these events and place his hands over my eyes or lifting my hair away he will brush a kiss across the side of my neck... nothing vulgar... just a bit of heat.  Like the song says, I want him to want me... and I guess I am a bit spoiled because I want him to want me all the time...

Anyway, this was also my time of the month - which in his mind means a complete curtailing of all activities... which took me from feeling like this (left pic) to feeling like this (right pic).  Not that both women aren't sexy, deserving goddesses... it's just that my inner critic got going full force again... and she has absolutely no tolerance for even the smallest molecule of fat, not to mention the sagging breasts from nursing three children, the stretch marks, the wrinkles, and dry skin, discolorations... well you get my point - she's a bitch and a perfectionist.  She magnifies everything bad and minimizes everything good.  She started carping on Thursday and she hasn't shut up since.  So my perception has changed.

I've noticed that when we're in full blown DD mode she shuts up... but if he slacks off even a little bit, then she starts up.  I go from energetic and feeling wonderful to constantly putting myself down and feeling almost depressed.  She's had rule over my head for much longer than we've been trying DD, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised at how quickly she takes over.  Before DD I didn't even realize how absolutely horrid I was to myself.  Then I would realize it and "treat" myself to something nice, something that made me feel better.  Which would raise havoc with our budget and cause me to feel horrible and the whole cycle would begin again.  Since we've begun DD she's been gagged pretty effectively until right before the weekend - but somehow she got loose...

She's been gaining strength and as icing on the critical voice's cake, I had an old "treat" come back and bite me in the ass unexpectedly.  Way before DD, before I even read about DD, I had ordered something from a local vendor.  Now we use this store exclusively for our family, but we usually are only there once a year or every other year.  Last spring, I was in there for something else and saw something I really wanted for myself.  Of course the salespeople are there to sell, they aren't going to say "Have you lost your mind?" when you order something.

Long story short, when I ordered it there was a wait before it would arrive.  At the time I had planned on paying for it when it arrived - no big deal - I was "treating" myself and I was working then, so I planned to pay for it with "my money."  They called once when it had arrived, it was a busy week.... I told them I would be in the next week... and then I kind of forgot about it.  Obviously it wasn't that important to me or I would have remembered it.  They never called again and so it completely faded away... until I had to get something from them this weekend.  Then it was right in my face - and as it was special ordered it had to be paid for unless we were never going to use this vendor again (which would never happen - they are wonderful).  So, as I hung up the phone I had to figure out how to tell my husband that I had caused us to unexpectedly go way over budget on something so frivolous that I didn't even remember I had ordered it.  This was not good... this was very, very bad.  In fairness, I would never order it now - I can't believe how much I have changed since we started DD - I am appalled that I ever thought that this was a good idea!  But it still needed to be addressed.  Before telling him, I called them back to see if I could do a payment plan, which they agreed to.  Then I made sure that I could pick up some work from an old job.  Then I sat down and confessed the entire thing to my husband, offered the payment plan/work suggestion and waited for the explosion.

The thing was, there was no explosion.  He just looked very disappointed and talked to me.  He just quietly explained how my thoughtless action cost him his peace of mind, dug into the financial buffer he has established so that he can take care of me and our family without living pay check to pay check.  He emphasized (with justice - it is all true) how he never spends that kind of money on himself.  He explained that the whole reason I can be home is because we came up with a budget and that the budget does not allow for this kind of selfish, careless spending.  Then he gave me his credit card (the one he worked so hard to pay off) and told me to go and pick up my item, along with the other thing we needed.

So I have a very beautiful item, one that once would have pleased me (at least for a little while) and I would have preened and been very proud of it.  Instead, it is my scarlet letter of shame.  Not because he said so, (he said it looks very nice), but because I know what it cost - and it's not worth it.  It's not worth costing him his peace of mind.  It's not worth the disappointment I saw in his eyes.  It's not worth the loss of faith and trust.  Yet, because of it's cost I have to wear it at every opportunity - that is his ruling (that I need to wear it at every opportunity for at least the next five years to get the value out of it) and I see his point.  Since I bought it I should use it.  But I will never wear it without remembering that it is not worth it.

Needless to say, my inner critic is having a hay day with this fiasco!  She brings it up constantly and has gleefully added it to her barrage of critical nasty comments.  Since it was that time of the month there has been no closure.  My inner critic has had free rein since Thursday, got the extra steam from my mistake and has been going full force since Saturday.  I cannot get her to shut up and she is making me droop.  You would think she would energize me to change, but no... she sucks all motivation out of me with her constant harping...

So I am hoping that (since I am "open for business" again) tonight he may be able to give me a new perspective and shut her up for awhile.  I cannot believe how much better my self esteem has been since we started this.  I'm almost never worried, never critical and self doubting in the moments when I am being "Taken in Hand" - I am too busy surrendering to worry about that.  Plus, when he is in charge I know that he is doing exactly as he pleases - so obviously doing me is exactly what he wants - which makes me feel deliciously feminine and sexy.   Even when we aren't having sex, I am thinking about him, wanting him and doing everything I can to please him.  I guess I can admit here (since I can spill my guts to you) I am rather hoping for/dreading some discipline for both the item I purchased and also for all of the negative self talk.  Because my inner critic needs it and I deserve some sort of punishment for that outrageous purchase.  I guarantee she will be silenced by a good spanking!

Which caused me to research a bit yesterday.  Why is being submissive so good for your self esteem?  You would think it would have the opposite effect, you would think that by being submissive you are somehow lowering yourself.  But I love being submissive, I love who I am when I am a "good girl" and even when I am being disciplined, I revel in his complete authority over me.  By allowing him more control and giving up some of my own, I gave up a lot of self doubts and worries along with my control.  I did find some blogs that said the same thing - insecurities, inhibitions and body image issues - they seem to disappear when you surrender yourself to your partner.  I don't know why that is... but giving up control has helped me immensely with this.  I think it is just that my inner critic has been a part of me since I was a teen... it may take a little longer to shut her up for good!

In the movie "Shallow Hal," Hal begins to see beauty on the inside.  His perspective creates his reality.  At one point his friend Maurico tries to "save" him by making him see his girlfriend as everyone else sees her:

Hal: Let me ask you something. Who is the all-time love of your life?
Mauricio: [ponders] Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you. And everyone else in the world didn't find her attractive.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knockout, I don't care what anybody else saw!

So if my reality is based on my perception... I guess I want my perception adjusted back to where it was!