Thursday, January 10, 2013

Hum Drum, Time to Tidy Things Up

Well, for my followers who like the erotic stories, I am afraid today's post will be a disappointment.  But the whole point of this blog is to follow the 365 days of submission (as we are non-fictional characters, there will be days when reality keeps us from having sex daily) and unfortunately, last night was just a cozy night without any sex.  Sorry, and I really am - because I am always ready for more!  But my husband put in an extra tiring day at work and the poor man was exhausted.  I have a lot of questions from my readers to catch up on, and a lot of house work as well!  So for today's post I am going to answer some of the questions I received from some of my blog readers...

1) Is this fiction?  Um, no.  This is my marriage and I am blogging it both for myself (I have always expressed myself better on paper and it gives me a chance to begin to write again) and to maybe help some other wives out there.  Daily blogging makes me feel accountable and it keeps me on track to have to document my day.  This blog should make it fun when we review our adventure at the end of the year.  As I am making it public, I will not release too many details like names, etc., but other than that, what you are reading is what is happening in my life.

2) The Shades of Grey questionsI have received some messages from people who say that this is not Domestic Discipline, but more erotic spanking or not truly what a Submissive would do.  I think that Domestic Discipline (described very thoroughly on the website would actually work very well for me, but the idea behind it is that the wife submits to the husband's wishes - and right now my husband is not comfortable with discipline spankings, or at least he wants the discipline spankings mixed with sex.  So while I would like my husband to utilize discipline spankings, I think that the most important part is to be submissive to his wishes.  I've read some blogs where people call it TTWD (that thing we do) because they know that their relationship falls under a few umbrellas.  I like saying that I am submissive to his wishes and desires - and I truly believe I am submissive to him.  But people who are in a more Dominant/Submissive lifestyle may find my posts a bit tame for me to truly call myself a Submissive or a bottom.  When it comes to labeling a relationship I think that there are a lot of grey areas - you should do whatever works best for the two of you.

3) What about the children?  I can see where this can be an area of concern, given the details that I share in my posts - but just as this blog is for adults only, our private life is just for adults.  What goes on in our private, intimate moments is no different for us than for "vanilla" parents.  We have to wait until all the kids are sleeping and we can lock our bedroom door, or when we get that rare moment alone because the grandparents take them overnight, or on the days when they are in school and my husband and I are home alone.  Do they know you practice Domestic Discipline?  No.  That is our personal choice, and the relationships they choose to pursue as they get older may or may not be the same as ours - so I do not want our choices to influence theirs.  They see their Mom and Dad kiss and hug each other more - they may have seen my husband give me a spank on the ass as he passes by me and I am bent over unloading the dishwasher or something (come on, that target would be too hard to resist:) - but other than that they are unaware of the dynamics.  I will say that both of my older (teenage) children have spoken with me about the changes in our marriage... they have both taken me aside to ask what was different? Because Mom and Dad don't fight and argue anymore, there is less tension and our home is a much happier place to be.  And while I KNOW that this is due to the Domestic Discipline we have added to our marriage, my answer was just that Mom and Dad have resolved their differences.  Both of them commented on how much better it is now, and my oldest said that he was so glad, that our fighting used to be terrible for him - "It was awful when you and Dad used to fight".  How sad that we didn't figure this out sooner, but how glad I am that we finally did!  Do you hit/spank your children?  No.  Neither of us spank our children - and actually I am more of the disciplinarian in our family because I am the one home throughout their day.  My usual tactic for discipline is to revoke privileges.  This works very well for us.  Sometimes I will assign extra chores too.  Our personal belief is that hitting your child is just showing them that you are not in control.  Before I get a deluge of letters on that subject please know that I am not saying that parents who choose to spank are wrong - I am just saying that we do not believe in it as a form of discipline for a child. 

4) Is what you are doing an affront to feminism and feminists?  I hope not!  I believe that women have struggled way too hard for their independence to want to hinder that.  But to me the whole point of the feminist movement was for women to have the right to make our own decisions and live our lives as we choose to.  I have had a career, actually in a male dominated field, but it did not make me feel happy and fulfilled.  I was stressed out, frantic and crazily trying to do everything and have it all.  This makes me happy and fulfilled, this is my choice.  I'm not saying that my relationship is the right relationship for everyone.  It could be that in your marriage the wife is the dominant partner, or perhaps you are both equal... whatever works best for you is what you should be doing.  For us, we had two successful, equally intelligent, equally capable people trying to reach the same goals.  But our way of striving for those goals was different, and while we had the same destination in mind, we were not going anywhere.  Think of two people paddling a canoe on the same side - no matter how hard we were paddling - we were just going in circles.  Just because I choose to submit to my husband does not mean that he does not respect my opinions or my abilities.  We both know that I am a capable woman - but we are both happier when he is the captain of our ship.

5) What made you decide to try this?  This is actually my favorite question!  Our marriage hadn't been what I would call "good" for years - I would say at least ten years or so we were struggling to hold on.  Luckily we both took our vows seriously and stuck it out - I am so grateful that we did.  The more I tried to fix it, the worse it got.  We would have sex (which has always been good) and I would feel close to my husband again. Then we would go for weeks - even months (the longest was 6 months when I was working nights) without any sex.  I was resentful, he was resentful, we were both trying our hardest and we both felt the other was holding us back.  I was sure he was having an affair, he was sure I was.  We would simmer and then blow up at each other - usually over something stupid.  I felt like he no longer wanted me, he felt like I was undermining him and not appreciating him (although the man is NOT verbal, so he never said it like that - it wasn't until later that I realized how much my actions were hurting him and causing him to act the way he did).  A friend recommended  the erotic novel 50 Shades of Grey.  I was incredibly aroused by some of the scenes described and that made me want to try some of the activities - a little letter and some lingerie got my husband to try it with me.  I found out that I really like spanking and a little pain mixed with my pleasure.  But, once again, we had incredible sex, felt incredibly close for a few days and then it fizzled back out (because sex was not the underlying issue).  I read the book Simple Abundance, which made me begin to appreciate everything I had (that was when I began to see some of the little things my husband did for me and our children - little every day things to show us how much he loves us).  I had really enjoyed the erotica in 50 Shades of Grey, so I began to look for more stories online (who knew that there was a large population of people that are just as kinky as me?  I love Google!) and came across a story that was about Domestic Discipline.  Wow, that got me interested - I had never even heard of Domestic Discipline before.  Eventually I found and that led me to the book "The Surrendered Wife," by Laura Doyle.  As we added more and more elements to our marriage, we found our marriage getting better and better and our sex life getting hotter and hotter.  So here we are... and we'll see how this evolves for us.

When I was first dating my husband, I remember thinking he was the first "man" I dated - the rest were all boys compared to him.  He knew who he was, what he wanted and the best way to get it.  That was very attractive to me.  Once we were married though, I would constantly suggest different approaches or criticize (without meaning to) the way he did things, because it wasn't the way I would handle those situations.  I was constantly questioning his ability and undermining him - of course it wasn't intentional - we just see things differently.  It wasn't that our goals were different, it was that our approaches were.  We were stuck in a constant battle to show the other we were right... and we were both losing.  I overlooked a lot of the everyday things he did to show me he loved me - because he wasn't showing me the way I thought he should, by verbally telling me how much I meant to him, or with hearts and flowers.  Instead he was showing me with his actions.  I wasn't appreciative of those actions, which made him withdraw even further. I am so glad that we found what works best for us.  I see every day how much he loves me and our children.  I can trust that he wants what is best for me and our family.  I no longer have the need for him to do things "my way" - I love that he handles things in his own way.  I am so much happier now.   

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