Sunday, January 20, 2013

Waiting for him to make his move...

I remember reading a post (and I am sorry that I cannot remember who's it was - if you read this let me know so I can credit you!) where they spoke of how Taken In Hand can color your whole world at the beginning, kind of "spanko-vision" where you pick up on other couples signals, or you see implements in ordinary kitchen utensils (I know I saw pastel colored whisks and rubber spatulas laid out on display for Easter baking and thought hmm...).  But for me, the biggest challenge with this is the "always being ready" rule.  

I mean, I've always practiced good hygiene, but I'm talking about the level you take it to for your lover.  The long groom you do when you know that you will be having sex.  I think a lot of women, (or at least this was my experience), we are so busy when the children are small - we're lucky if we can shave one leg before we are interrupted so our toiletries become hurried and hit or miss.  I made sure I was clean and neat, my teeth were brushed and if I was going somewhere I put on makeup (I excused myself from wearing make up at home - I was letting my skin "breathe").  I certainly wasn't putting in the effort I would when I was single or first married and if I did put forth the effort it was because I was going to work or we were going out - not often just for him - to be honest that was a rarity, maybe if we had a night alone and I had time to get all ready.

Before we began bringing Taken In Hand into our relationship we weren't having sex that often, so I guess I began to slide a bit (okay, a lot) as far as the sexual grooming went.  If my undergarments didn't have holes in them, supported me and were comfortable, they were fine (can you say granny panties?).  I chose my clothing for practicality and comfort, not to catch the eye of my husband.  I dressed professionally for work and comfortably for home.  My legs and underarms would be shaved, but other areas were a bit wild to say the least.  Lotion, maybe if I had time.  Perfume, usually if I was going out, or for work, but not at home.

In Gone With The Wind, by Margaret Mitchell, our heroine Scarlett thinks back on all of the flirtatious movements, ways of smiling up at a man, the looks you could send them, all of the tricks she learned to use when she was single that she can no longer do now that she is a widow.  "No, it didn't seem right to learn all these smart tricks and then put them away forever." 

Well, I am starting to remember all of those tricks, and what better person to use all of my feminine wiles on then my husband?  There is just one catch, it's a never ending cycle.  The more I dress for him and groom myself for him, the more feminine I feel and the more I want to "catch" him, the more he evades, the more I want him.  

Which would be great, but we have three children and a busy schedule, so I can't always get what I want.  Which means I am always ready, almost constantly thinking about sex (either the sex we've had already or the sex we might have later) and I can't do anything about it!  So last night I came to bed all ready for some action, but the children weren't tired until later than usual and my husband was feeling a bit under the weather so he went to bed early.  Can I just say I was frustrated right down to my satin underwear?

I feel like the girl in Willy Wonka - "I want it now, I want it all!"  I tossed and turned all night last night and when my husband woke me up at 6:00 AM he didn't do it nicely at all.  Just "Okay, I'm leaving now, time to get up," to which I responded with all of my feminine wiles.  Meaning I stuck my tongue out at him and pulled the sheet over my head and told him he was mean.  "Why am I mean?" he asked and out popped the shrew, the nag, the *itch - complaining that he didn't touch me last night.  Yep, I'm sure that was sexy... me trying to control when and how often, yep... sexy as hell I'm sure.

Of course, if I would have been fully awake I wouldn't have said it.  In fact, when he returned an hour later I was up, dressed, hair done and apologized.  But I am afraid that I am breaking the cardinal rule (or one of them) that I learned when I was young and single: Men like a challenge.  They like to breach the walls, storm the beaches, conquer (rape and pillage - see where my mind goes?).  Where is the challenge in a wife who is constantly ready for and possibly nagging you for sex? 

Has anyone else had this issue?  I need to figure out a way to be constantly ready without being constantly "ready" and I don't know how.  I know that what I did this morning was not submissive, I was trying to dictate but really... I am so needy lately.  I need to figure out a way to tamp this down a bit.  I need to give him the chance to make his move...


  1. Has anyone else had this issue? UM YEAH.

    One of my biggest struggles with submission has been the whole constantly being available and yet never being "accessed". It feels so one sided to me, and I am sorry that I don't have an answer for you, but I can say that there are better days and worse days with it.

    Interstingly enough, I am happier and interact with the world better when I groom well, so I try to keep that in mind and make the effort more for me. But yes, more sex please!!! :)

    1. You're right, I do feel better (and more sexy and feminine) when I am well groomed and I have to say that it is well worth the effort when "accessed!" it's just hard to be patient sometimes...

  2. So... yes.

    But not really anymore.

    When we started all this all those years ago - 11? 12? too early in the morning to think about it - he really seemed to get what I was about. Really, really, truly. And since we were in text, I could read it all plainly right there on the screen. But then we got married, and I think the simple glory of actually being together eclipsed everything else for a time. So there was lots of sex, but not necessarily the sort of sex I craved - the control, a little pain, perhaps some light bondage. That sort of sex was a special treat, perhaps once a week or month. It whetted my appetite for more.

    Fast forward, past child bearing, past co-sleeping, and I was despairing that his libido had permanently gone down - once or twice a week seemed just fine with him.

    So I had some letters to write - we've always communicated really well via the written word, and it's easier to get everything out all at once without making the other feel defensive. After the letters came conversation - and you know? He really, somehow, had got the idea in his head I WANTED it all the way it had been. Even when he was meant to be in control of things, he was still considering me and what I wanted - people who love you do that.

    Being submissive to him doesn't mean you don't have/can't express desires or that he doesn't want to make you happy.

    So what I told my husband, several times so it would sink in: "I am not just always ready, I always want you. If you wake up in the middle of the night horny, I am here. Wake me up too. This is what I want."

    Turns out, having more sex tunes up HIS libido too - not just yours.

    Of course, every relationship is different, your mileage may vary, etc, etc, standard disclaimers here. :)

  3. You're not alone. It can be so frustrating when you're all prepared and climb into bed nude or at least sans panties only to hear "night honey" followed by snoring.

  4. You're right Conina - his drive seems to be increasing the more we explore this! It can be frustrating Mrs. D - I am hoping the more his libido increases the less frustrating it will be...

  5. It will get better, then it will get worse, then it will get better... If I have learned anything int he last 7 months it's that once you think you have it down pat- something breaks and it sucks for a while. He are just exiting our sucky phase... but I am comforted knowing it ended and that I know we will struggle again but get through it.

    You will both figure it out... be strong and have faith!

  6. I know we've all heard the rule about men wanting the chase, and not being 'too' accessible, but that seemed to go out the window once we hit ttwd. Even now, there are times I feel like an animal in rut. And he LOVES it. Of course sometimes he's too tired, or sick, or sometimes just wants to drive me insane and remind me Who Is In Charge. Is it hard to wait? Oh god, yes, and I'm not allowed to masturbate without him so it can be awful BUT that makes it awfully good when he relents and gives in and "gives it". I suspect my husband is not the only one who loves knowing his partner is dying to be taken. Hard. Fast. Dirty.
    Oh darn. Now look!

  7. I can relate to all of you in this post as I am the one walking around like a stereotyped man "Ready, Willing, and Able" but my love of my life could care less about the levels of intimacy in our almost ten year marriage. This is unfortunately the one reoccurring problem in our marriage and I am losing hope that she will grow into some sort of sexual awakening

  8. In her thirties and I in my early forties. She is everything to me and when we talk she acts as if she gets it and it matters but there is no evidence of a sexual drive


I would love to hear from you!